Rae spits out a conundrum to sink your teeth into
It is sometimes alleged that very occasionally unscrupulous types auction fake versions of much sought after items on eBay. Like Alex Rae's front teeth.

The Rangers man lost both gnashers in a collision with young Aiden McGeady in last week's Old Firm game but was later contacted by Celtic to be told that ground staff had found them buried in the pitch. A Rangers official promptly collected the teeth and returned them to their rightful owner.

The mystery deepened, though, when one of the alleged teeth turned up for sale on eBay. "This tooth was rescued from the playing surface following the game and passed to me by a guy in a pub," claimed the seller. "He even gave me a Certificate of Authenticity as proof . . . so . . . here is a 16.3 mm slant length Great Eastern Human (Homo Loudenous) adult upper jaw tooth - it is 25-30 years old. This tooth has been used regularly to chew raw meat and also to pop open a number of beer bottles. As such it is in excellent condition due to previous owner not having much to smile about."

Last we looked - and you might not believe this - the bidding had reached £20.16. The question is: if the eBay tooth (which looks like it began life in the mouth of Tyrannosaurus Rex) really belongs to Rae whose teeth did the Celtic ground staff find? Our money is on Danny McGrain from a 1970s Old Firm game, and he's been looking for them ever since.

Quotes of the week

"When Pele's quiet he's a poet, but he just talks shit. On the field he was the greatest player in history, he was our king, but he should put a shoe in his mouth." Romario (Brazilian football legend) on his admiration for Pele (Brazilian football legend).

"Duff is another favourite of mine because he tries to do new things. He's not afraid of failure. It's the Dutch mentality." Spurs coach Martin Jol on his admiration for Dutch winger Damjen van Duff.

"I honestly don't think the position Albion are in is that bad given the quality of players here." Kevin Campbell butters up his new team mates at West Brom on his arrival from Everton.

"Even if we get relegated he is willing to help us get promoted." Bryan Robson, speaking about Campbell, kind of letting slip how confident he is about West Brom avoiding the drop this season.

Sky Sports reporter: "Of course Wayne Rooney was pleased to score but celebrating in front of The Kop, was that a sensible place to do it?"

Alex Ferguson: "Well, that's where he scored the goal."

- Good answer, sir.

"It's outrageous, disgraceful and, quite frankly, despicable behaviour." Birmingham owner David Sullivan praising Blackburn for their above-board attempts to sign Robbie Savage.

A prince among the Bees

Ever since he took his players to see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre as part of their preparations for a first-round FA Cup tie against non-league Stalybridge we've wondered about Brentford manager Martin Allen.

We wondered again when he announced last week that striker "Matt Harrold has been fined 10 per cent of his weekly wages for being inappropriately dressed as a German soldier".

We were none the wiser until we saw a photo of Harrold, described by Make It Beesy On Yourself, the Brentford website, as "officially the most ginger Prince Harry look-a-like in the whole of West London". Hmm, yeah, in a certain light.

Boumsong minds the language

Once he was safely installed in his new home in Newcastle, Jean-Alain Boumsong, the French defender who left Rangers in an £8 million deal, felt free to share his thoughts about his time in Scotland. His revelation that he was shocked that people at the club "spoke with a Scottish accent" came as a bit of a shock to us because there are probably more Scots at Borussia Moenchengladbach than there are at Rangers.

Anyway, because he arrived armed with a degree in maths Boumsong was confident he would quickly become fluent in the local lingo. Alas, it wasn't to be.

"With all the years I spent at college I thought I would master the local language at Rangers," he said. "The only trouble was everyone spoke with a Scottish accent. When I first arrived there was nothing I could understand when people asked me questions. I tried my hardest to grasp the meaning of what they were saying but it proved impossible. In my first few days there I found it utterly depressing."

Concluding with a brief tribute to the quality of football he left behind ("technique is like fantasy land in Scottish football") Boumsong then went to meet his new supporters at St James' Park. "Toon Arm-eh, Toon Arm-eh, Howay-the-Lads, Howay-the-Lads," they said to him. And not even an understanding of Pythagoras' theorem helped him decipher what they were on about.

More quotes of the week

"As a kid of eight or nine I used to climb church steeples for pigeons. You don't look down. Now if I walk past a window with a six-foot drop I step back. There's a change in you." We had to think about this one for a while but it's Old Alex Ferguson warning young Jose Mourinho that he's too cocky for his own good. We think.

"Although Italy is my priority . . . second choice is England. Where would I like to go? Firstly, Chelsea because they have a fascinating stadium - then, in order, Manchester United and Arsenal." Cagliari's Antonio Langella on wanting to join Chelsea for the architecture. That's a new one on us.

"It's a bit like the missus. You ask her if she's happy and she says yes, even if she isn't. They all say they're happy. But the only important thing is Tottenham Hotspur, and it's working for the club." Spurs' Martin Jol on the challenge of keeping three strikers and one wife content.

Me and my big mouth

Part I: "Chelsea's forwards are acceptable but I've played against better attackers and they haven't won against me. If our defence continues to be focused it will be impossible for Chelsea to win." Spurs defender Nourredine Naybet previewing Saturday's game at White Hart Lane. Spurs 0, Chelsea 2.

Part II: "Arsenal will be champions again . . . we have experienced a poor patch already . . . we are climbing now and I think Chelsea and Manchester United will crumble. They will both have bad moments from which we will benefit. They will not end up top and will finish up feeling very bad." Arsenal's Jose Antonio Reyes, feeling confident last week. At the weekend: Spurs 0, Chelsea 2; Liverpool 0, United 1; Bolton 1, Arsenal 0.