Mary Hannigan’s sideways look at the world of Soccer

A spooky tale about Rooney leaves us weak at the knees

IT’S NOT every day, it has to be said, that you read about a West Yorkshire man seeing Wayne Rooney’s face in his swollen knee after a motorbike accident, but that was the scoop the Wakefield Express had last week.

“Take a look at Wayne Roo-knee,” they advised us, so we did. Now we were, to be honest, a bit sceptical about the claims of Horbury joiner Rich Rigby, until we saw the photo. One word: spooky.

“I was having a drink with friends and when I showed them my knee we realised it looked like Rooney, so our lass took a photo,” he said.

“Everyone was laughing about it. It beggared belief – he is a legend and I never thought he would appear on my knee.” (You can be fairly sure Wayne didn’t either).

“All his facial features were there, you could see his small ears, nose and he even had a beard like the real Rooney,” said Rich, who hopes it’s all a sign that Manchester United will win the league and that Rooney will have “a cracking World Cup for England”.

Possibly it is.

The bit we didn’t like, though, was the paper’s explanation for why Rich’s knee looked like the England man: “Because it swelled to an unusual shape due to titanium plates he had inserted in his leg following a football injury in 2001”.

Charming.

No bouquets for Arshavin after trip to flower shop  

ANDREY ARSHAVIN  is many wonderful things, but if the latest instalment from the ‘Ask Andrey’ section of his website is anything to go by, ‘forgiving’ isn’t one of them

Sofia: “Hello, Andrey. Back in November 2004 you and your Mom came to the Yuvel flower shop on Kirochnaya Street to buy a bouquet and I, struck by a sudden attack of joy and mathematical cretinism, cheated you out of 1,500 rubles. I’m still embarrassed for this. Finally I found a way to apologise! I’m sorry! Oh, a load off my mind!”

Andrey: “It would be better if you just returned the money. Do you still work in the same flower shop?” Sofia? Leg it.

Happily, Andrey was kinder to Arshani who wanted to know why she loved him so much. “Many girls like fat-assed guys with ruddy cheeks,” he replied, modestly.

Hammer Ray a proper geezer

WEST HAM-supporting actor Ray Winstone is, you’d imagine, proud of the efforts of manager Gianfranco Zola for leading West Ham to safety in the Premier League and, you’d assume, is impressed with the sophisticated brand of football the little Italian has been trying to get his team to play since his arrival. Wait. Maybe not. “We should revert to playing British football instead of all this European tarting about,” said Winstone last week. “Crush, kill, destroy. And wear tight shorts. I think we should phone up Julian Dicks and get him back because, if we did go down, at least he’d kick the s**t out of everyone. Proper geezer.” The sound you hear is Zola weeping.

Zidane would 'rather die than apologise' to Materazzi

YOU’D LIKE to think that Italian defender Marco Materazzi has got over that unfortunate moment in the 2006 World Cup final when he was head-butted in the chest.

True, the fella who did it to him has been a bit on the unrepentant side – “I’d rather die than apologise,” he said last month – but maybe in time they’ll make up. Hopefully, though, the head-butter won’t present this gift as a peace offering.

Number of the Week:  1

THAT’S HOW many pennies Portsmouth owed industrial dishwasher company Proton Southern, as revealed in the 70-page document released last week detailing the club’s gobsmacking debts. “They can pay us back if they like, but they probably can’t afford it,” said Terry Liversage, the company’s financial director. “Joking aside, they paid up just before they went into administration.” Debts settled, then. Well, apart from the remaining £118,999, 999.99.

Not quite quote of the week but still quite good

"It's wonderful. In Rome if you do badly in the derby, you can't leave the house. If you do well, you can't leave the house for all the hugs and congratulations! Basically, you have to stay in." –  Roma's housebound manager, Claudio Ranieri.

"I've no intention of retiring. The only thing that determines my staying here is my health. Unfortunately for you lot I'm bloody rudely healthy. You'll be gone before I'm gone, don't you worry. The way most of you write, I'll be banning most of you anyway."  – And this was Alex Fergusonin a good mood at his press conference last week. Honest.

Any human being can make a mistake . . . he was naive."  – Wigan manager Roberto Martinezon
Charles N'Zogbia mistakenly getting another person to do his driving theory test for him. Allegedly.

"I'll tell you a secret: I can't imagine a World Cup without Ronaldinho on the pitch. It seems
impossible."  – Who else but . . . Ronaldinho.