Other stories from football.

Tartan Army sparkle on their own in city of light

We received belated word on the Tartan Army's recent successful trip to Paris, where they watched their boys beat their hosts 1-0 in the Euro 2008 qualifier.

"We're gonna deep-fry your croissants," they chanted at the locals, before intimating that they weren't all that impressed by the most famous landmark in Paris, the Eiffel Tower: "It's just a big ****ing pylon," they sang. Mon Dieu.

Quotes of the week

Reporters: " What do Chelsea mean when they say you left by 'mutual consent'?"

Jose Mourinho: "Look it up in the dictionary".

"Unfortunately, nothing surprises me in football any more . . . to say I'm astounded is an understatement."

- Ray Wilkins unsurprised by Jose's surprising departure.

"I would love to gather all the fans together to say goodbye for the last time, but they would crush me with their love."

- We would Jose, we would.

Rafa Benitez: "My players travel more than Willy Fogg."

Reporters: Blank expressions.

Benitez: " Willy Fogg? Around the World in 80 Days?"

Reporters: " Phileas Fogg, you mean."

Benitez: " Oh, yes, Phileas Fogg, sorry."

"Javier Mascherano had to play a friendly for Argentina in Australia. That must have been really important."

- Benitez again, still going on about Willy Fogg.

Fluffhead pays price for faulty internet connection

We were sad to read last week about the end of Jermaine Pennant's relationship with "Page three stunner" and "32DD beauty" Amii Grove and fear, considering the nature of the breakdown, they might struggle to remain friends.

Upon discovering that the Liverpool man was playing away, if you know what we mean, Amii "squirted cleaning fluid, cocoa butter and whipped cream" all over Jermaine's designer clothes and, worse, "smashed up his Xbox".

"You have no idea how great that was," she said, revealing that "Fluffhead", as she called her man, was addicted to the machine. "He spends up to six hours a night playing Call of Duty 3 on his Xbox. He would sit down at 9pm and lay out crisps and fizzy drinks in a circle around him so he wouldn't have to move for the next six hours. He would stay up till 3am even before matches, wearing a head-set so he could talk to his friends about who he was going to kill next.

"I tried to break his addiction by playing board games with him. He became hooked on Scrabble, spending ages trying to save up the letters to put the word "zoo" on the board because he thinks it's high-scoring."

It all came to an end when Amii discovered Fluffhead had been "trawling the MySpace accounts of models", which, funnily enough, was how the pair had met. "I went to slap him but he grabbed me and I knocked his mouth. A front tooth - which, to be honest, was rotten - fell out and he went mad."

Alas, we sense this breakdown might prove irretrievable.

Adieu Jose

"I felt a bit sad. I don't know the ins and outs but I thought this fella was the jewel in the crown. He gave everybody a lot of excitement, but he gave Chelsea a lot as well."

- Martin Jol doffs his cap to the Special One.

"Chelsea were on the way up when he arrived but he did something more and made them winners. We didn't get on the best but that does not hide the fact I respected what he did and the quality of his work."

- Arsene Wenger lets bygones be bygones.

"He was terrific for football and terrific for Chelsea. He brought something fresh and new to our game and I enjoyed the competition with him. I wish him well."

- Alex Ferguson sings his praises.

"He raised the bar for everybody, even for the likes of United . . . he turned a very good Chelsea team in to a top team. He will be a loss to the Premier League, there is no getting away from that."

- Roy Keane says 'all credit to Jose'.

" You know my relationship with him, it is better that I do not say anything."

- Rafa Benitez, eh, says good riddance.

Smith says it like it is

This tale from White Hart Lane tickled our fancy when we spotted it in the Daily Mirror last week. Spurs legend Bobby Smith was brought on to the pitch at half-time during a recent home game, his task to promote Opus, the new photo-book of the club's history - the "Captain's Edition", complete with signatures of club greats, retails at . . . €8,600.

Interviewer: "So, Bobby, what do you make of the book?" Smith: "Well, it's six grand (sterling) - who's going to want to spend that?" Smith's comments, relayed to the crowd over the tannoy, were greeted enthusiastically, upping his legendary status at the club another notch or three. Good man, Bobby.

More quotes of the week

"How do I cope? It's frustrating but I'm an animal lover so I don't take it out on my two dogs. I don't kick them. I might kick the wife, but not them."

- Bolton manager Sammy Lee explains how he's coping with pressure.

" This is torture. I could have been watching the Eastenders omnibus."

- BBC radio commentator Alan Green on the edge of his seat during Manchester City's game against Aston Villa.

"I can't find the right word but if the word exists they are "playerish". They just like to play."

- Arsene Wengerish pays tribute to his players.

"As long as he keeps getting away with it, I am happy. His father was the same because he got away with a lot too. Maybe it runs in the family."

- Sven-Goran Eriksson makes himself popular in the Schmeichel household, suggesting Kasper inherited his tendency to have dodgy moments from his Da.

" If Rosenborg get a point I will crawl on my knees 120 kilometres."

- Former Liverpool defender Glen Hysen, now a pundit on Swedish television, ahead of Rosenborg's 1-1 draw at Chelsea. Have a nice trip Glen.

Exchange of the week

Eamon Dunphy: "Look at Graeme, he won four Champions Leagues."

Graeme Souness: " Three."

Dunphy: " He won four league titles."

Souness: "Five."

Dunphy: "It's not bloody Mastermind."