Today's other stories in brief

Defence rests

All we can hope is that Jonathan Woodgate isn't sensitive. You might remember when he was on trial a few years back for affray, after the student Sarfraz Najeib was beaten up, Woodgate's own defence counsel told the court his client was as dim as "two short planks - and thick ones". And, of course, it was revealed his nickname was "Village", as in "village idiot". Lovely.

Well, the ever charming former Leeds chairman Peter Ridsdale has included the following little snippet in his autobiography.

"Jonathan is a world-class defender but could never be described as a mastermind. He had been told to look after his own passport and 'to keep it somewhere safe'.

"On one European trip the players were asked for their passports. Jonathan hadn't brought it with him. 'Where is it?' I asked him. 'You told me to put it somewhere safe so I did. It's in the safe at home.'"

Mmm, maybe his defence counsel had a point.

Quotes of the week

It was a lousy goal to give away. It was bad marking. Their guy had enough room to put a bungalow on for his retirement.

- Mick McCarthy after his Wolves defence gave Bristol City full planning permission for an equaliser on Saturday.

You people sometimes are like those serial killers you see in films who send out these horrible messages. The serial killer who cuts out the words 'I am going to get you' or 'your wife is next'. You are the very same.

- Celtic manager Gordon Strachan, still best buddies with the Glasgow media.

The criticism does not bother me because it's fashionable. We love to criticise everything. I would like someday to find a job so privileged as to (allow me to) criticise everybody without knowing anything or knowing very little.

- Real Madrid manager Bernd Schuster, still best buddies with the Madrid media.

I gave Longy a big kiss in the changing room. I don't know if his girlfriend's going to be happy with that big love bite on his neck, but that was me!

- Reading's Michael Duberry on how he showed his gratitude to Shane Long after the Tipperary man got the winner against Newcastle a week ago. Long's been wearing a polo neck ever since.

I was disgusted. I realised that signing for Chelsea was disgusting. It's hard to explain.

- Didier Drogba, in his new DVD, on how emotional he felt on joining Chelsea.

I now feel compelled to defend myself against this deranged man.

- David O'Leary reviews Peter Ridsdale's autobiography.

Johnson gets bum rap

It was back in August when the Bristol City centre half Liam Fontaine last came close-ish to scoring his first goal for the club, in almost 100 appearances, but it wasn't to be. His manager, Gary Johnson, sympathised with the fella by declaring: "Liam will never score, ever. I have been telling him that for years. If one goes in I will show my backside in Burton's window."

Yep, as you suspected, Fontaine broke his duck on Saturday, heading home a free-kick against Wolves to earn City a point.

"I've got to check with my lawyer to see whether I said it had to be a winning goal," said Johnson, as Burton's began clearing a space in their window for his bottom.

"Liam has worked hard on his finishing, but I can't believe he wanted to see my backside so much," he said.

One dreads to think what Johnson will bare if Fontaine ever manages a hat-trick.

Take yer pick

Saturday's headlines:

London Evening Standard: "Fabregas isn't in Scholes's class, says Keane."

Lancashire Evening Post: "Keano hails Cesc as new Scholes."

More quotes of the week

Robbie is a great professional, loves playing football and gives a lot of confidence to the team . . . the experience he has is invaluable. He brings lots of personality to the team and we hope that he can continue in this form until the end of the season.

- New Spurs manager Juande Ramos, just before dropping Keane for Saturday's game at Middlesbrough.

He's a United fan, is he? Well, he'll not be coming back here (Old Trafford) again. He can go and join that mob that watch United FC - all year.

- Alex Ferguson on the British sports minister Gerry Sutcliffe after he criticised United for their ticket-pricing policy.

Like Arnie, John personalises and epitomises the guts, the strength, the power and the determination. He also has an evident panache, you can see it in everything he does. He is wonderful. You don't deny him. He is a movie hero because he has to win. There is no alternative.

- Richard Attenborough tips John Terry to be the new Arnold Schwarzenegger. A film star, that is, not the next Governor of California.

Sometimes on a day off I go to the Krispy Kreme doughnut shop. When we play at home, I go there after the game and it's like a doughnut party! Everyone is eating doughnuts inside their cars - it's like a disco!

- Cesc Fabregas. As Homer Simpson once put it, "Doughnuts? Is there anything they can't do?"

There are times when they look telepathic and there are times when they look like they've never met before.

- Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd puzzled by the on-off relationship between his strikers Marlon King and Darius Henderson.

I don't like these silly phone-in programmes. People come on who don't know what the hell they are talking about and say things like 'sack the manager because the team played crap today'. My late dad knew a lot about football but he would no more ring up a phone-in show and tell some silly drip what he thought than fly in the air.

- Harry Redknapp? You're On Sky Sports.

Sounding out

"Sadly, it is quite simply the record speed clocked in Ain," said a police spokesman last week after Czech Republic international Milan Baros was caught driving at 271kph (168mph) near Lyon, where he now plays his football. The previous record belonged to a motorcyclist who was caught riding at 248kph back in 2000.

Baros now faces a lengthy driving ban and a heavy fine. His excuse? "I wanted to hear how a Ferrari engine sounds," he said.

Cripes, Milan, don't we all?