Songs of the season: "Malcolm Glazer came to town, borrowed lots of money, spent it all, you won **** all, City think it's funny."- Manchester City fans, to the tune of Yankee Doodle, fret over United's finances.
"Oh here we are and here we are and here we go, Youssef is better than Ronaldinho, here we goooooOOO, Moroccan all over the world."
- Norwich City's tribute to their Moroccan midfielder Youssef Safri.
"There's only one Nakamura, one Nakamura, he eats chow mein, and votes Sinn Féin, walking in a Naka wonderland."
- Celtic supporters' ode to Shunsuke Nakamura.
"He's big, he's red, his feet hang out his bed, Peter Crouch, Peter Crouch."
- The Kop pays homage to its big lad up front.
"Ben-jani, whoah-oh, Ben-jani, whoah-oh, he comes from Zimbabwe, he'll score eventually."
- Portsmouth fans entertain themselves while waiting for Benjani Mwerawari to break his scoring duck (which he did, in his 15th game).
Body parts
"We were undone by our Achilles' heel which has been stabbing us in the back all season."
- David O'Leary on Aston Villa's flexible weak point.
"I've had a major operation. I broke my neck and haven't looked back since."
- Paul Gascoigne. Naturally.
"When I looked down the leg was lying one way and my ankle was pointing towards Hong Kong - so I knew I was in serious trouble."
- Manchester United's Alan Smith, diagnosing a broken leg and dislocated ankle.
"It just came in so quickly, he tried to get a head on it but it came off the wrong corner of his head."
- Norwich manager Nigel Worthington, trying to explain how Jason "squarehead" Shackell scored an own goal.
"Apparently he was eating a lasagne and somehow pulled a hamstring - it has to be a world first."
- Coventry manager Micky Adams explaining how Andrew Whing injured himself.
Mourinho's musings
"Wenger has a real problem with us and I think he is what you call in England a voyeur. He is someone who likes to watch other people. There are some guys who have this big telescope to look into the homes of other people and see what is happening. Wenger must be one of them - and it is a sickness . . . I don't know what is happening to him but I think he is in love with Chelsea. He loves us."
- On his friendship with Arsene Wenger.
"When I hear them say they can win the title it makes me feel like laughing."
- On his, eh, fear of a title charge by Liverpool.
"Sometimes you see beautiful people with no brains, but you see ugly people who are intelligent scientists. Our pitch is a little bit like that. From the top it's a disgrace but the ball rolls at normal speed."
- On the beautifully ugly Stamford Bridge pitch.
"For me pressure is bird flu. I am feeling a lot of pressure with the swan in Scotland. I am serious. You are laughing, but I am serious. I am more scared of the bird flu than football. What is football compared with life? A swan with bird flu, for me, that is the drama of the last two days. I have to buy some masks and stuff. I am serious. Maybe for my team as well."
- Fretting over sneezing swans.
"I've been called arrogant, vain and overbearing, they've called me everything. Jealousy is the weapon of the incompetent and frustrated. It all makes me rewind the cassette of my life and remind me who I was, how I did it, where I got to, what I have achieved for me and my people, how many times I made the good Portuguese smile."
- Still not struggling with self-esteem issues.
The Pundits
"Burton just couldn't lose tonight. Except that they did."
- Ian Wright, giving yet more expert analysis on the BBC.
"Theo Walcott is carrying a nation, literally, on his shoulders."
- Andy Townsend on the rather heavy burden placed on young Theo.
"If Livingstone don't keep their discipline the inevitable could happen."
- Mark Hateley, inevitably.
"The defender was so laid back there he was almost vertical."
- Frank Stapleton befuddles TV3 viewers.
"Aston Villa seem to beat the teams halfway down but struggle against the teams halfway up."
- Mark Lawrenson befuddles Villa fans.
In the commentary box
"Joe Cole had a slash on the edge of the box and it actually found its way back to the corner flag."
- BBC Radio's Colin Cooper on Cole's extraordinary range.
"In this day and age you don't see too many footballers with two feet."
- BBC Radio's Peter Allen on the chink in modern players' armour.
"He makes the simple things look easy."
- A Sky Sports commentator lavishes AC Milan's Filippo Inzaghi with praise.
"They have to concentrate not only when they have the ball or when their opponents have the ball, but also when neither of them has the ball."
- Graham Taylor talks tactics on BBC Radio 5.
"I think they'll have to throw the kitchen sink at them now a bit. Maybe not the whole sink, with all the plumbing - maybe just the taps for now."
- Co-commentator extraordinaire, David Pleat.
Questions & answers
Reporter: "Have you ever thought about a career in the media?"
Roy Keane: "No, no. I want a proper job."
Manish Bhasin: "There's a story that Ruud van Nistelrooy may sign for Spurs. Do you think that might happen?"
Gavin Peacock: "No. He's a top striker." Ow.
Matt Cooper: "Is there any chance that Charlton could beat Chelsea?"
Tony Cascarino: "In a word, I don't think so."
Reporter: "When do you stop thinking about relegation and start thinking about Europe?
Paul Jewell: "After about 10 pints."
"I sent around a text message saying 'this is Gary Neville's new mobile number'. A few minutes later, my phone beeped with a reply saying: 'so what?' That was Roy's sense of humour."
- Gary Neville revealing how much he is missed by his former skipper.
The managers
"I said to my wife, 'come on, it's 'Valentine's night, I will take you out somewhere special'. So I took her to Brentford against Southend."
- Alan Curbishley, the romantic auld divil.
"I couldn't be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season."
- QPR's Ian Holloway.
"They had a couple of - what's a nice word for lumps? - big players up front. Lumps is too rude."
- Spurs' Martin Jol on Liverpool's big lads, Peter Crouch and Fernando Morientes.
"How can you tell your wife you are just popping out to play a match and then not come back for five days?"
- Liverpool's Rafa Benitez, mystified by the sport of cricket.
The chairmen
"You should only say good things when somebody leaves. Robert has gone - good!"
- Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd says good riddance to Laurent Robert.
"In retrospect, of course I regret calling them morons. Imbeciles would have been more appropriate."
- Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan on Charlton fans (who celebrated Palace's relegation the season before).
"Palace's liberty culture before I took over and just after was almost mesmerising. One player nicked the club's training kit and sold it on . . . . a married player on £6,000 a week put his extra-marital condoms on club expenses."
- Jordan again. The mind boggles.
"They don't know what honesty or loyalty is. They're the biggest scum that walk on this planet and, if they weren't football players, most of them would be in prison. It's as simple as that."
- Former Spurs chairman Alan Sugar, missing his day-to-day dealings with footballers.
"Eriksson was guilty of naivety of massive proportions, which is the same as being an idiot. If you meet a geezer on a boat wearing a blanket and you talk to him as though you have known him for years, you deserve all you get."
- Leyton Orient chairman Barry Hearn after Sven-Goran Eriksson's brush with the fake sheikh.
With team-mates like that . . .
"John Hartson is the laziest player I've seen. When you look at him you can easily see he needs some exercise."
- Celtic goalkeeper Artur Boruc.
"My relationship with Lehmann is the same as ever - we don't really have one."
- Arsenal's second-choice goalkeeper Manuel Almunia on his best buddy, Jens Lehmann.
"When God was handing out brains Jonno decided to have a lie-in. He said to us recently: 'There are two suns, aren't there? One here and one abroad?'."
- West Brom's Andrew Johnson on Jonathan Greening.
"He's obviously really tall."
- Michael Owen is asked about the strengths of his England team-mate Peter Crouch.
"When you see Damien coming out of the shower you'd never believe he's a professional footballer."
- Didier Drogba on The Duffer.
Scotland
"Can Roy Keane do the business in the Scottish Premier League? What a stupid question. Let's be honest, Roy Kinnear could still do the business in the SPL. And he's been dead for about 15 years."
- Daily Record columnist Tam Cowan.
"Just like 17 per cent of us have ginger hair a lot of us (Scots) are small. You could build up a hugely talented Celtic side and Snow White would have to lead them out because there are so many small people here."
- Gordon Strachan. Hi ho, hi ho . . .
"They would be as well having Roger de Courcey and Nookie Bear for manager because Romanov just wants a puppet he can work."
- Former Hearts defender Allan Preston on the fun and games at the club during the season.
"That was brutal, an awful, awful game. I said to them last week I'd like them to win ugly and they certainly won ugly today. That was the ugliest thing I've seen since the ugly sisters fell out the ugly tree."
- Terry Butcher on Motherwell's unattractive win at Falkirk.
High praise, indeed
"He's a god . . . the lean lad next door with legs to die for and a mischievous grin that says: 'Bed. Now'."
- English gay magazine Attitude steaming up at the sight of Steven Gerrard.
"He has so much ability and his pace is frightening. He is quicker than anyone else I have ever seen. Seriously, the boy glides across the park. If he walked across a puddle, he wouldn't make a splash."
- Harry Redknapp plays down expectations of Theo Walcott.
"It's a long time since I've seen a player who you feel would kick his granny to win, and that's lovely - though not for the granny."
- Newcastle's Glenn Roeder on the lengths to which Steven Taylor will go to win a 50-50 ball.
"He is the best. He reminds me of me."
- Pele pays tribute to Robinho. And himself.
No praise, indeed
"If he is the answer, it's a bloody stupid question."
- Former Tory MP David Mellor on suggestions that Peter Crouch could be the answer to England's attacking problems.
"Ronaldinho is the kind of player who makes kids dream. Kids aren't going to walk around with Deschamps or Desailly on the back of their shirts, are they? If there were only players like Deschamps and Desailly around, there would be about 10 people who'd bother to take up professional football and they'd be their cousins and nephews."
- Eric Cantona on his former international buddies.
"Morientes is a bit like bird flu. He's been lethal in other countries and we keep getting told it's only a matter of time before he makes his mark here, but there's no sign of it yet."
- The Liverpool Daily Post's Chris Bascombe - bird flu finally made its mark in Britain, but they're still waiting for Morientes to make his at Anfield.
"He's a big donkey - a troublesome donkey, but a big donkey."
- Eamon Dunphy on Didier Drogba.
"Ruud is a cheat and a coward who is sneaky in the way he fouls players. Everyone thinks he's a nice guy but he's a son of a bitch."
- Patrick Vieira on van Nistelrooy who, he'll be hoping, won't sign for Juventus this summer.
No love lost
"I know Rob Styles. He will get up in the morning, look in the mirror and wonder how the other seven wonders of the world got on."
- Ray Houghton, somewhat implying that referee Styles is a bit fond of himself.
"When you give success to stupid people, it makes them more stupid sometimes and not more intelligent."
- Arsene Wenger paying tribute to Jose Mourinho.
"Rio has not been that bad, but neither was he ever that good before."
- Chelsea's William Gallas comes to the defence of Ferdinand.
Banner of the season
"Premiership: Buy one get one free."
- Spotted at Stamford Bridge the day Chelsea retained their title. Ouch.
Eh?
"I can assure West Ham fans that no stone will be unearthed in our preparation for next week."
- Alan Pardew promising his team would go in to the cup final unprepared.
"Glenn Roeder will think for a few minutes before making a rash decision."
- Steve Stone
