Compiled by MARY HANNIGAN
Doesn't take long to see red
WAY, way back in October 2000 we told you about our very favourite sending-off of all time, when Cross Farm Park Celtic's Lee Todd was dismissed two seconds into a Sunday League game. His offence? When the referee blew his whistle to start the game Todd responded thus: "**** me, that was loud". The bricklayer was, then, red-carded for foul and abusive language, although he was unrepentant: "Anyone else would have done the same - he nearly blew my ear off."
We were, then, a bit aggrieved last week when we saw Chippenham's David Pratt being hailed as the new record holder after he was sent off three seconds into a Southern Premier League game for a studs-up challenge on Bashley midfielder Chris Knowles - that's a whole second later than our Lee's red card.
While the Guinness Book of Records people sort out this muddle special mention should be made of Jamaican Walter Boyd's feat when he came on as a sub for Swansea a few years back.
He took his place at the edge of the box as his team lined up a free-kick, had a disagreement with his marker, decked him and was sent off - before the game had even restarted. Zero seconds, he lasted. Puts Todd and Pratt in the ha'penny place.
Quotes of the week
"I have been saying for a few months we have been handicapped by the Premier League fixture list. They tell me it is not planned, but I have my doubts."
- Alex Ferguson isn't paranoid, he just thinks the Premier League is out to get him.
"We've got two fit strikers and two players (Gilberto and Hossam Ghaly) who can't play because the crowd don't like them. Apart from that we're not too bad."
- Spurs' Harry Redknapp in need of a trip to the January sales.
"We paid over the odds for Ashley but you don't mind if the player gives you value for money. Of course, I'd have preferred to have got him for £5 million but he's worth 15 times that now."
- Martin O'Neill putting a £75 million price tag on Ashley Young, which probably means he's Manchester City-bound.
"If someone comes to ask me about anyone, I will tell them to 'sod off' and then they can go to chief executive Jez Moxey and he will tell them to 'sod off'. Then they can go to the owner Steve Morgan and he will tell them to 'sod off'. Then if a player comes to me and says he's unhappy, I will tell him to 'sod off'."
- Mick McCarthy sort of ruling out any January sales at Wolves.
"I complimented Ballardini, but it is too early to say hiring him was the right choice. The results will speak for him. I pointed out that even my parish priest would have earned 23 points with the squad at his disposal."
- Palermo president Maurizio Zamparini stopping short of giving his coach the vote of confidence.
"When I started at Barcelona in 2003 it was a car with three wheels
. . . now it is a Formula One car with five wheels."
- Barcelona president Joan Laporta with a less than convincing analogy.
In the money
IT was only recently that the Guardiandid a piece on Numancia midfielder Mario Martinez, revealing him to be the lowest paid player in the top flight of Spain's La Liga. While Martinez himself claims to be earning €200,000 a year, the paper put his salary at €120,000, almost half what Thierry Henry earns in a week.
Granted, Martinez shouldn't go hungry, but still, he'll be eating particularly well in the months ahead: he won €150,000 in the Spanish Christmas lottery, bless him.
More quotes of the week
"We know that Arsene Wenger likes the look of Arshavin, but I like the look of Angelina Jolie - it doesn't always mean you get what you want."
- Dennis Lachter, agent of Zenit St Petersburg's Andrei Arshavin.
"They don't come in and say 'I love you' but your wife or your son does not come in every day and say 'I love you, I love you', but you know she loves you. You know your son loves you. You know your players love you, like you, because we've had situations where it is possible to know this."
- Chelsea's Brazilian boss Luiz Felipe Scolari claiming there's a lot more love to be found at the Stamford Bridge ground than there is in your average Mills and Boon novel.
Chain of events after red card
IT'S not altogether uncommon for a player to feel a bit miffed when he's shown a red card and neither is it unprecedented for such a chap to cause a bit of ruckus after he's been ordered to leave the pitch. What is quite unusual, though, is for the fella to return to the scene of his dismissal armed with a chainsaw screaming "I'm a crank!" and threatening to cut the hands off an opponent.
The player in question - who we won't name for fear he'd turn up at the front door - was sent off in an English Sunday League match in Surrey for foul and abusive language and while he wasn't best pleased with the referee he appeared to be particularly peeved with an opposing player.
Guildford Crown Court heard the players and officials then "heard an engine start and saw the defendant coming out of the bushes revving a chainsaw". Mercifully, the victim survived the attack, suffering a cut to the chest. Because his assailant had had a jar or five before the game led the court to deal with him rather leniently: he received a 12-month suspended sentence.
