Compiled by MARY HANNIGAN

Adriano's brand kept exclusive

WE SPOTTED a heartbreaking example of unrequited love in the Observeryesterday, the victim Brazilian dancer Joana Machado.

Joana, apparently, is so besotted with Inter Milan's Brazilian bad boy Adriano she's had his name tattooed on her tummy, declaring that she wants to be "branded". "Adriano owns me, owns my life: when he signs for Flamengo or Chelsea, I sign for them too," she said.

Gilmar Rinaldi, Adriano's agent, was cruel in his response. "She is lacking comprehension. Adriano is going nowhere: he stays at Inter. And he's dating someone else."

WE HONESTLY thought we'd heard the worst of football supporters' efforts to rile their rivals with inflammatory chants and songs but Peterborough's travelling fans truly plumbed the depths when they visited Leicester's Walkers' Stadium recently.

Leicester and their ground are, of course, sponsored by the city's pride and joy, Walkers' crisps, and the shameless contingent from Peterborough, frankly, went a step too far in the provocation stakes when they sang: "If you love Golden Wonder clap your hands." Incredibly, no arrests were made.

"My job is to run a football club and not to make sure that Victoria Beckham has the best suite in the hotel. I don't know why Milan accepted all these demands. It was just one big scene and only Steven Spielberg was missing."

Quotes of the week

- Bayern Munich general manager Uli Hoeness after his club shared training facilities with AC Milan - and the Beckham entourage - in Dubai.

"I didn't say I was happy to face Manchester United because it would be easy or I'm certain of winning. I'm not a complete idiot."

- Jose Mourinho on Inter Milan's Champions League draw.

"We need a certain type here. We've got an awful lot of good little players but we need more strength and a bit more power in the team."

- Harry Redknapp, before signing Jermain Defoe - all 5ft 4in of him.

"When we were playing together at Juve, Ibra told me: 'If you won the Scudetto aged 30 it was thanks to me. Before that you hadn't won anything.' We went our separate ways after that, he joined Inter and I came to Real Madrid. Since then I've won the World Cup, a Ballon d'Or and another two Liga titles. I crushed him! If he wants to hold the Ballon d'Or, his best chance is to come over to my house."

- Fabio Cannavaro on his warm relationship with Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

"I really dislike seeing players constantly changing clubs and always kissing their new shirts. With things like this, children don't know whether to support a team or a player and we have to remember one thing: without children's love, football will die."

- Pele, saying Kaka's loyalty to AC Milan is the reason he prefers him to Cristiano Ronaldo.

"Eric was a thinker but with Berbatov there's also bits of Teddy Sheringham in there too."

- Is Alex Ferguson saying Teddy hadn't a thought in his head?

"I didn't like him saying I didn't like the offer I was made because neither my agent nor me were given one."

- Carlos Tevez intimating that Alex Ferguson told a fib.

Ameobi doesn't quite cheque out

OUR HEARTS went out to poor old Shola Ameobi last week because we could relate to his blunder - which one of us hasn't been there?

The Daily Mirrortold us the Newcastle man had called the police to report a break-in at his home. "We were told thieves had taken a number of things, the most important one being his cheque book," said the police source.

The police, apparently, were about to set off for Ameobi's home when he called back to say "nothing was missing after all", his house was just in a mess. "Perhaps he'd had a party and the place just looked as if it had been burgled," the source pondered.

Shola? Get yourself a hoover and some polish.

More quotes of the week

"I am sure that his adventure in Serie A will be a disaster. He is the typical player who creates plenty of problems and he doesn't understand what we say to him. He doesn't care about the team and he only thinks about himself. I won't help him, he will destroy this club. Obviously I am joking. Beckham is a player who can integrate well here."

- Clarence "it's the way he tells 'em" Seedorf on his new AC Milan team-mate.

"No disrespect, but we are at a club where we can't deal in the top bracket of players, we are always working below that. We are not at Crufts, we are at Battersea Dogs Home. We are looking for strays. We are looking for people who have gone astray with the aim of bringing them back."

- Stoke manager Tony Pulis bigs up his new signing, Matthew Etherington.

"The excuse the chairman came up with is laughable - he said the club had recently received a painting of a train from Doncaster Rovers and there was nowhere else to put it."

- Lawrie McMenemy on Southampton's explanation for removing his photo, holding the FA Cup after the 1976 final, from the boardroom.

"I'm not surprised that (Antonio) Valencia's attracting interest. He is, in my opinion, the best right-sided midfielder in the Premier League — if you put Cristiano Ronaldo on the left."

- Wigan's Steve Bruce on, well, the second best right-sided midfielder in the Premier League.

"There is another option - that Mr Ferguson organises the fixtures in his office and sends them to us and everyone will know and cannot complain. That is simple."

- Rafa Benitez with a proposal that will probably be approved by Old Trafford.