Compiled by MARY HANNIGAN
Heartless: Fans show little regard for heart-attack victim
TRAUMATIC SCENE:CELTIC was, said a club spokesman, "inundated" last week with inquiries about the condition of Robert Coyle, "the long-standing season ticket holder" who collapsed with a suspected heart attack during the league game against, of all people, Hearts.
The 66-year-old’s condition was, the spokesman confirmed, “serious but stable”, with the hospital hopeful that he would make a complete recovery. “The thoughts of the players, management and everyone at the club are with Robert and his family at this time,” he said.
A traumatic scene it was too on Wednesday, with a team of medics tending to Coyle in the stands while the game carried on – so much so, a stretcher had to be carried around the pitch rather than directly across it.
The Celtic support fell silent while Coyle was treated. The visiting Hearts supporters? Well, they sang “you’re not breathing any more” in the man’s direction. Two words: “good” and “grief”.
Wrong message: Other Gray gets ex-Sky man's Tweets
OTHER ANDY TWEETS AHEAD:THE BIO communications manager for software company Codemasters was in New York last week on business and in between meetings he kept an eye on his Twitter account to see if anyone was saying hello. To his initial befuddlement, it seemed as half of Britain was, in fact, sending its "greetings".
"I was getting message after message," he told his local paper, the Rutland and Stamford Mercury. "There were a few abusive ones to start off with, then a few jokey ones, a mixed bag." By Tuesday he reported he'd broken "the 2,000 follower mark", his Tweets until then having been largely ignored by cyberspace.
It was a tiring old week, though, the Codemasters man worn out from having to type replies along the lines of: "You've got the wrong Andy Gray, mate. I work in video games. Thanks for the support, though."
Diame digs: Frenchman finding life tough in Wigan
WIGAN WHINGER:"The truth about life in Wigan is that there is nothing to do. It is a crappy place. The town is tiny, and there is no atmosphere. I go in to training, I return home afterwards, and that is all I do."
– Mohamed Diame, settling in nicely up north.
"It is a myth to claim that all English women are ugly. But I won't lie, it is rare to see truly beautiful girls when you go out during the day . . . the girls seem to cover themselves up all day, only to be in good-looking mode at night."
– Diame again, on the verge of issuing come-and-get-me-out-of-here plea.
"I was asked how Wigan was different from Madrid. One's a capital city in a hot climate, the other's a small town where we had temperatures of -100c a few weeks ago. What am I meant to say?"
– Diame once more, refusing to back down on his allegation that Wigan and Madrid are quite different.
SIMPSONISED SPAIN:NEVER MIND winning the World Cup, you really know you've arrived when you've been Simpsonised. Granted, the Spanish team hasn't actually made it on to The Simpsons yet, but this photo is close enough. Initially it was thought to have been created by Matt Groening himself, the show's creator, but is now believed to be the work of a Spanish cartoonist. Xavi and Iniesta are sublime, but Carles Puyol is beyond description.
LOYAL AND PATIENT:JUST HOW much do you love your club? As much as John Retter? The 51-year-old trucker is, he told the Sun, a huge Manchester United fan, so not for him a tattoo the size of a pea declaring his loyalty. Tattooist Tony Gallon charged over €1,000 for his work, during which John read Alex Ferguson's biography. And, presumably, War and Peace. How long did it take? Eleven hours.
Shrewd operator: Maradona admires Tevez's negotiating skills over salary
WORD OF MOUTH:"Domenico Criscito to Milan? It's more likely I'd eat a cactus."
– Genoa president Enrico Preziosi a touch prickly in his response to talk of his defender moving to AC Milan.
"Carlitos is amazing. He does what he wants with the Arabs. He tells them: 'I want to go to Buenos Aires' and they say 'No Carlitos, stay here now, we'll give you more money'. And then he gets more money!"
– Diego Maradona doffs his cap to Carlos Tevez's bargaining skills.
"I wouldn't say I'm religious. I had a Christian upbringing and I believe in God, but I stay in bed on a Sunday morning."
– Evidently, Spurs' Benoit Assou-Ekotto can never get to the church on time.
"I don't want to meet a girl who has been touched by a player from Fulham or Chelsea. You understand?"
– Assou-Ekotto again. Strangely, for a Spurs player, he hasn't ruled out Arsenal.
"If he's only worth £4 million then I'm a Scotsman called McTavish."
– Ian Holloway on his prized possession, Charlie Adam.
"There is no chance I would ever consider having all my hair cut off. My hair is my life. It's so important to me. If you cut off my hair, it is like cutting out my heart or cutting off my legs. I would cry for days and days."
– After this revelation from Manchester United's Anderson he is, we fear, about to get the hair-dryer treatment from his boss.
"There are wobbly wooden benches and you have to stand with your back pressed against the shower pipe or you don't have any warm water after three seconds. But I love all of it."
– Rafael van der Vaart on Spurs' endearing dressingroom facilities.
Wandering star: Guidolin ambitions not so ambitious
MORE CLUBS THAN JACK NICKLAUS:WHEN HE began his managerial career in 1988 at third division Italian club Giorgione, Francesco Guidolin professed to having big ambitions, hoping one day to take over at one of Italy's major clubs. It hasn't happened yet, though, the current Udinese supremo has displayed a bit of wanderlust over the years by having spells at Giorgione, Treviso, Fano, Empoli, Ravenna, Atalanta, Vicenza, Udinese, Bologna, Palermo, Genoa, Monaco, Palermo, Parma and Udinese. "The best directors don't always end up in Hollywood," he said. "Ten years ago I did hope of joining a big side, but now I am not bothered."
Andy spoofer: Townsend gets apology
HOAX TWEETS FOOL INDEPENDENT:IN YET another "There but for the grace of God go we" moments we spotted an apology in the London Independent last week to Andy Townsend after the paper had quoted him declaring on his Twitter account: "In this day and age women in football should be given more respect, especially the attractive ones."
It was, though, a spoof Andy Townsend, as suggested by some of his tweeting exchanges, not least the one with English artist Tracey Emin: "As British female, Turner prize-nominated, one time bed and tent defiling artists go, for my money, she's right up there."
The account, sadly but not too surprisingly, has since been suspended.
MESSI 'S MAMMY COSTS HIM:JUST WHEN you thought Lionel Messi could do no wrong the Spanish Football Federation was left with no choice but to fine him €2,500 and award him a belated yellow card last week for a rather shameful incident during Barcelona's 3-0 win over Racing Santander. What did he do? Stamp on a player? Shove the ref? Racially abuse an opponent? No, after scoring he lifted up his shirt to reveal a rather incendiary message written underneath: "Happy birthday Mammy".
