Lest we forget: 2009, part 1

Now, now.........

"Who's his agent? He should be knighted by the Queen."– Paul Merson on Julien Faubert's loan move from West Ham to Real Madrid.

"Berbatov has been a disaster. If it was up to me, I'd have dumped him months ago. The guy could get injured on A Question of Sport."– Former Manchester United manager Tommy Docherty has some reservations about Dimitar's impact since joining the club.

"To avoid contracting swine flu, the World Health Organisation recommends staying away from areas where large numbers of people gather. So, your safety is guaranteed at Falkirk."– Scottish Daily Record columnist Tam Cowan.

"The staff came in and said 'Clive Clarke has had a heart attack at Leicester'. I said, 'Is he okay? I'm shocked they found one, you could never tell by the way he plays'."– Roy Keane on his former Sunderland player.

"Does it surprise you he opened his mouth? You go to a restaurant, you know why the fish is on the table? Because it opened its mouth."–  Avram Grant, tired of Jose Mourinho carping on.

Language barrier

"I don't understand the meaning of the 'squeaky'."– A baffled Rafa Benitez on being told of Alex Ferguson's description for tense title races: 'squeaky bum time'.

"Early on, one of the guys posed me a question: "Ereyergoinfersumscram?". I later understood that this was a polite invitation to go to lunch."– American goalkeeper Brad Friedel, now with Aston Villa, reflecting on his early communication problems at Liverpool.

Beyond all recognition

BACK in April the Daily Mailwebsite published a photo of Danielle Lloyd, the model who has dated enough footballers to form a World Cup squad, as she left a nightclub with a chap on her arm.

“He’s no footballer, but WAG Danielle scores herself a new mystery man,” they declared.

Granted, Jamie O’Hara, currently on loan at Portsmouth from Spurs, hasn’t quite lived up to his early promise, but give the fella a break.

“WAG Danielle makes it a hat-trick as she scores herself a third Spurs player,” read the corrected caption later in the day.

Better.

Puzzling pundits

"Ninety-nine per cent of two-footed players are right-footed, you don't see many left-footed two-footed players these days."  – We think we know what Joe Royle was trying to say, but.

"No one has more lungs than Rooney."– John Salako on how young Wayne avoids getting breathless.

"I'd play him all day long, even if it's only for 45 minutes."–  Paul Merson on his admiration for Mark Viduka, then with Newcastle.

Warning: Women

"We need to build new roads for women. Why? Because you never know what to expect from a woman on the road. If you see a car behaving weirdly, swerving and doing strange things, before you see the driver you know it is a woman. It is always a woman."–  Andrei Arshavin

Incidentally, he was badly injured when he was knocked down by a car as a kid. The driver? Eh, a man.

"Trying to explain it to you would be impossible. It would be like you trying to explain childbirth to me."– Gordon Strachan to reporter Michelle Evans after she asked him for his thoughts on Celtic's cup defeat to St Mirren. After one win in eight since taking over at Middlesbrough, Strachan should beg Michelle for some soccer tips.

Terrace tributes

"Ulster's number one, Ulster Ulster's number one."– Northern Ireland supporters to Poland's Celtic goalkeeper Artur Boruc during his calamitous performance at Windsor Park.

"OoooOOOOOH: PIZZA!" – Ajax Amsterdam fans every single time FC Volendam's slightly chubby goalkeeper Jeroen Verhoeven took a kick-out . Poor fella.

Grumpy gaffers

"****ing abysmal, that's what I ****ing thought of it . . . it was a crap start to a game . . . ****ing rubbish, absolute tosh. Drivel. Shite. Bullshit . . . I'm ****ing livid about it – of course I am. So, there you have it."–  Mick McCarthy  on Wolves' defeat to Reading.

"Even Jesus Christ wasn't liked by everyone. What hope is there for me?"– Jose Mourinho, at a loss to understand why all of Italy doesn't view him as the Messiah.

Trap talk

"I told Jose Mourinho in Italy there are a great many competent people and that he must ride the tiger with good judgment, otherwise it can get dangerous."– In light of recent happenings in the golfing word, Giovanni Trapattoni should probably refrain from offering this class of advice.

Kaka makes his mark for life

SO certain was Christopher Atkinson that his beloved Manchester City were about to sign, seal and deliver Kaka in last January’s transfer window he had the Brazilian’s name tattooed on his chest. You know what didn’t happen next.

“I was gutted when it fell through, I got carried away by the emotion of him coming here,” he said.

We’ll trust that he didn’t replace it with a Mark Hughes tribute.