Other soccer stories in brief

Muckers mired in success

You might be surprised to learn that the next football World Cup is not, in fact, in South Africa in 2010, it's in the little Scottish village of Strachur this June.

Over 100 teams from around the world will descend on the village to compete in the Swamp Soccer New World Championships which, yes, is played on a swamp.

Alas! only amateurs will compete; professionals, according to the organisers, are too "precious" to join in.

That's a pity, because the professionals might learn a thing or two. For example, Gareth Rimmington, the captain of last year's winners, the Fuddy Muckers, revealed the key to their success was "always having one player at the back defending".

Are you listening, Kevin Keegan?

Lame chant angers Wenger

There was, it seemed, universal sympathy for Arsenal's Eduardo after he suffered that stomach-churning injury a week ago, but a small section of Aston Villa's support at the Emirates on Saturday appeared to be unmoved by the horror of it all.

"He used to have silky skills, now he walks like Heather Mills," they sang.

"Unfortunately there are no limits to either intelligence or stupidity," said Arsène Wenger on being told of the chants.

Quotes of the week

The only decisions I'm making at the moment are whether I have tea, coffee, toast or cornflakes in the morning.

- Will someone please give Sam Allardyce a job? Soon.

If you are driving to work don't get into a car with Liam Miller because he gets involved in more car crashes than anybody I know.

- Roy Keane on Miller's preferred explanation for being late for training. Beats "the dog ate my football boots", though.

I wouldn't say I have galvanised the club since coming in.

- Kevin Keegan. He'll get no arguments from a somewhat disappointed Toon Army.

It's water off a duck's back, you have to take it on the chin.

- Keegan again, this time dismissing talk that he hasn't galvanised the club since coming in.

We're in s***ty waters. It is a lot smellier than muddy waters - and it's clingy. Something has got to change. The difference between our reserve team and our first team is not a lot.

- Reading's Steve Coppell. We trust Saturday's win over Middlesbrough helped lift his gloom.

I look like I'm lazy, like Romario, but it's not the truth. I'm just playing a game with defenders. It's a tactical thing.

- Middlesbrough's Alfonso Alves. Let's be honest, which one of us hasn't tried that line in the past?

We are not far from the big four. We almost beat Manchester United three weeks ago, so if we almost the beat the champions we can beat any team on our day - as Chelsea found out on Sunday.

- Spurs' Didier Zokora, just before his side lost 4-1 to relegation strugglers Birmingham City.

Bury spared air on a G-string

Sad news last week from Bury, where club director Iain Mills resigned from the board following a string of complaints about his choice of clothing on match days. The 21-stone care-homes owner insisted on wearing shorts to games, and not a suit and tie, as stipulated for board members by the club.

Rather than change his garb Mills decided it was best that he resign, because, as he put it, "the club is far bigger than any individual".

"Put me in a pair of shorts and I'm as happy as a pig in mud," he said.

"I wear shorts no matter what the weather and I actually prefer it when it's cold. On the rare occasions that I do wear a suit, the sweat just pours out of me. I've only got very little legs and my shorts look like they're longer than they actually are," he explained.

"But it's ridiculous to think that 12 inches of material below my bum is causing this much of a problem to people.

"I think some people need to get a life. It is not as if I turn up in a G-string - then they'd have something to complain about."

Sure would.

More quotes of the week

It was nice to get a poacher's goal. My agents have told me I need more of those.

- Arsenal's Theo Walcott reveals to the Sun that (a) he has more than one agent and (b) they, rather than Arsène Wenger, are guiding him on how he should be scoring.

A lot is made of his technique and I thought he must take thousands just like that in practice to hit it so well, until I was talking to Owen Hargreaves . . . and he reckons in training they fly all over the place.

- Portsmouth's David James on that Ronaldo free-kick he let in at Old Trafford.

Can you believe he turned up in a car like that . . ? We're bottom of the table with nine points, he hasn't had a decent game since he's been here and he's swanning around in that thing with huge great spoilers everywhere.

- A Derby "insider" on Robbie '£30,000-a-week' Savage's brand new £160,000 Mercedes.

The so-called insider is right when he says I haven't had a decent game since arriving from Blackburn. But I could be driving a Robin Reliant and I would still be playing the same.

- And Savage responds.

Amoeiro CF put fans in dung-out

It's not altogether uncommon for football clubs to run lotteries to bring in much-needed funds, but we salute Spanish regional side Amoeiro CF for coming up with a variation on the theme: Caca de la Vaca (or, in English, Poo of the Cow).

The club split its pitch into 6,000 square-metre lots, and for €10 you can buy one of the squares, just like a lottery ticket. Once a month a cow called Rubia is taken onto the pitch and if she poos on your square you win a prize (cars, holidays and the like).

There are also consolation prizes for those whose squares only get a little spray of poo, and not the full cow pat itself.

Visit www.cacadelavaca.es for details - remember, if you're not in you can't win.

(If you want to see Rubia in action just look up "Caca de la Vaca" on YouTube - but make sure you've digested your lunch first).

Caption of the week?

No contest, that award goes to theoffside.com for the caption they put on this rather splendid photo of Richard Dunne outleaping Tim Cahill in the recent game between Manchester City and Everton: "Who says white men can't jump?"

The questions didn't suit him

We're guessing that poor old Richard Chaplow of Preston is regretting ever agreeing to participate in the Q&A section of his club's programme because his response to one particular question was being reported, with considerable mirth, by every website we dropped in to last week, including the Guardian and Football 365.

Ready?

Question: "Who will you be supporting in Euro 2008?"

Chaplow: "England."

(England haven't qualified, so who will you be supporting in Euro 2008?)

Chaplow: "Argentina."