Compiled by Mary Hannigan

Bullard home and wet anyway

WE READ last week how Stephen Kelly intended texting his old Spurs pal Jermain Defoe to ask him to score a goal or three for Portsmouth against Fulham to assist Birmingham's efforts to avoid relegation

Fulham's Jimmy Bullard, apparently, wanted to engage in a bit of texting himself, his pleas for help intended for mates at Blackburn and Derby, who were playing Fulham's relegation rivals Birmingham and Reading yesterday.

The bad news? Bullard recently treated himself to an electric golf trolley but after stepping out of the contraption during a round at Wisley Golf Club in Surrey he discovered he had left it in "forward" mode. How did he know this? The trolley drove itself into the lake, taking his phone with it.

The good news? Bullard got himself a new phone and gradually rebuilt his contacts list, including all his footballer pals. But? Then he went fishing and, well, you know yourself. Plop.

Ronaldo resolved to mind his house from now on

NO MORE than yourselves, we're sure, we were sorry to read of the Brazilian Ronaldo's latest troubles back home, notably the discovery those three nocturnal "ladies" he hired weren't ladies at all.

"It will stain my career forever but I have to rebuild," he said, "it's like as if my house had been demolished by a hurricane."

Somewhat cruelly, the Who Ate All The Pies website suggested the worst aspect of this sorry tale was that one of the non-ladies "looked a bit like Carlos Tevez".

"Would Ronaldo try to pick up Tevez if he was wearing a dress?" they asked.

We can't answer that, and we'll trust the opportunity will never arise, but the one part of this story that we enjoyed was Ronaldo's use of football-speak to describe the unfortunate situation in which he found himself.

"At no time did I know they were transvestites. I'm completely heterosexual. When I realised it wasn't what I was looking for I withdrew my team from the pitch."

Perhaps his name was Dai

"WE are taking this matter very seriously," said the Japan Football Association (JFA) when it was reported to them that referee Yuichi Nishimura lost his cool with an Oita Trinita player during a recent J-League match, telling him to: "Shut up! You keep quiet and get on with the game. Die!"

Several Oita players confirmed that Nishimura had, indeed, uttered these very words, so he was expected to be in a great deal of hot water. The JFA's verdict? Case dismissed. "We are not trying to deny what was heard . . . but we have decided that the referee did not use those words," said general secretary Kozo Tashima. Eh?

Ballack misses his chance

THE GERMAN magazine Der Spiegel gave Michael Ballack a gilt-edged opportunity recently to offer his wholehearted support to Avram Grant, at a time when the manager was busy defying his critics by leading his team to the odd victory or three. So, did Ballack seize the opportunity with both hands? Well, in a word, nein.

Der Spiegel: "Is it true that players refer to Avram Grant as 'Average Grant?'"

Ballack: "I've read that."

Quotes of the week . . .

"Alex is from Mossad . . . he knows everything."

- Avram Grant alleging that the Manchester United manager is a member of Israel's secret service. As we suspected.

"I just said to Alex, 'The bad news is we're going to try our best'. At that point he collapsed."

- Derby manager Paul Jewell's vow that his players would play to their usual standards against Reading yesterday failed, somehow, to lift the spirits of Birmingham boss Alex McLeish.

"I had a dream that I got a win bonus. I can't remember the dream exactly. I don't often sleep so maybe I was dreaming I was sleeping."

- Jewell again on the nightmare that has been Derby's season.

"There is a good chance he could be a manager. He knows his football. I don't think I would have said that when we were together at United. Probably manager of a bar somewhere, but not a football club."

- Roy Keane on gaffer-in-the-making Dwight Yorke.

"It sucks being a reserve, but with growing age it is bearable."

- Jens Lehmann on his fun-packed last season with Arsenal.

"If I was in Gareth's position I would go there tomorrow. It is the opportunity of a lifetime. Liverpool don't come after you every year."

- While Martin O'Neill was busy trying to persuade Gareth Barry to stay at Aston Villa along comes Patrick Berger. And with that Berger was shown the door at Villa Park. Barry will probably follow soon.

"He's just played his 100th game, but he was here last time I was, which was 1936, so he must be about 50 now."

- Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan on, eh, veteran goalkeeper Steve Harper.