The big football news of the week was, of course, Jamaican reggae singer Maxi Priest's debut for Southall in the English Seagrave Haulage Combined Counties League - although, and we mean no offence, the fact that he's 43 doesn't say a great deal for Southall's youth policy.
Never too old
Southall are currently 12th in the table, 12 places ahead of Viking Greenford (whose sturdy defence has conceded just 145 goals in 35 games) and 10 places behind AFC Wimbledon, the club formed in protest by supporters of Wimbledon FC once they announced they were moving Milton Keynes.
In an apparent attempt to match Southall's celebrity attraction, AFC Wimbledon have announced the signing of Peter Smith, the Dublin lad who was turfed out of ITV's Popstars programme for being too old. On the advice of his pal Steven Reid (of Millwall fame), Smith rang the Wimbledon secretary and he invited him along for a trial. "I don't think they knew who I was," said Peter, an assumption all but confirmed by a club spokesman who said: "Peter was chosen for his football skills, not any fame that he might bring to the team."
Peter insists that he will continue to pursue his pop career and will just juggle his football and crooning commitments, a relief to us all.
Quotes of the week
"It's not often that you leave Dublin and wish within a day that you were back there."
- Speaking from Tbilisi, Kenny Cunningham pines - kind of - for his home town.
"You don't have to be a good player to stand straight in a wall."
- When Lee Carsley is the subject of a This is Your Life tribute we'll wager that Johnnie Giles won't be invited as a guest.
"I tucked Duffer up tight last night with a few DVDs and some Mikado biscuits I brought over with me from back home."
- Brian Kerr gives us an insight to his unique man management style. Could you imagine Jack Charlton doing the same for Mick McCarthy?
"Damien has been known to suffer from time to time from, eh, adhesive mattress syndrome."
- Kerr again, hinting that the Duffer is fond of his kip.
A bad call
"Hristo brings United a motherload of world-class experience and majestic skill. He's a living legend and will be an inspiration on and off of the field," said DC United head coach Ray Hudson when his Major League club signed Hristo Stoitchkov, the 1994 European Player of the Year, as player-coach. Oh dear.
Last week? "Hristo Stoitchkov would never intentionally hurt another player," insisted Hudson. Ho hum. Freddy Llerena, a player with the American University team, might beg to differ. Ten minutes into a 'friendly' between the teams Stoitchkov, annoyed by the failure of the linesman to rule an AU goal offside, lunged at Llerena, with a two-footed tackle, leaving him with a compound fracture of the right tibia and fibula. Stoitchkov was sent off and the game was promptly abandoned.
A lawsuit is now in the offing and Major League deputy commissioner Ivan Gazidis has promised an investigation into the incident. AU coach Todd West called the tackle "criminal", while one of the attending paramedics said "it looks like the kid has been hit by a car". DC are, one assumes, ruing the day they signed Stoitchkov.
Baby boom
Intriguing story by Jim White in the Guardian last week. On hearing that supermarket chain Asda reported a boom this month in sales of baby products - "sales of wet-wipes are up by 12,000 packets a week" - White did a nine- month countback and concluded that the bulk of these babies were conceived very soon after - ready? - David Beckham scored for England against Argentina in the World Cup. Elsewhere? "In Scotland, sales have remained steady, unlike the performance of the Scottish football team," said White.
More quotes of the week
"I wouldn't back England to beat a team of nuns 9-0."
- Brian Clough previewing the Liechtenstein game.
"Football is not war, but it is the substitute by which this warrior nation defines its pride most frequently and intensely between periods of armed conflict."
- The Daily Mail's Jeff Powell mislays the plot, again.
"John Terry's an extra-terrestrial - I think he's from Mars. He's like ET and needs to phone home."
- Chelsea chief Claudio "Laa Laa" Ranieri.
"Arsenal are a good side, but the only thing that takes away from it is (Francis) Jeffers. If I was still a player, I would love to take him out. I would love to see him get really hurt, because he dives so much. He's a disgrace."
- Chelsea old-boy Peter Osgood.
"I didn't mean for someone to really hurt him, just let him know what a real tackle is."
- Osgood attempts a U-turn but crashes in to a wall marked "old fogies please shut up".
