No United front at home

As we all know, the first lesson in parenting is that mother and father should always, always, always present a united front when dealing with their children, even if they think the other is talking through their left elbow. Indeed, Dr Sylvia Rimm, who has a PhD in "smart parenting", and whose books and videos are available and competitively priced in your nearest bargain bin, has made a career out of advising parents to "join together to give the same clear and positive message to their gifted children". We wouldn't, then, blame PSV Eindhoven's gifted wunderkind Arjen Robben if he was confused. Tribalfootball.com headline: "PSV's Robben not going to Man Utd - Dad". Football 365 headline: "Mum sends Robben to Old Trafford." United we stand, divided we're gazumped by Chelsea/Real Madrid?

Good old turn-out at Goodison

This yarn is almost too good to be true, but we instinctively trust the Daily Telegraph's sources. Last month Manchester City were away to Everton so, as is the norm, a group of police outriders waited on the outskirts of Liverpool to escort the City team coach to Goodison Park. The police had been told to look out for a coach with a particular operator's name emblazoned down the side so when they spotted a vehicle matching the description they circled and escorted it to the ground.

A bunch of City fans waited at the entrance to Goodison to greet the team but were somewhat perturbed when a group of old age pensioners disembarked, very slowly, from the coach. True, Kevin Keegan signed David Seaman this season, but the rest of the squad don't, as yet, qualify for free travel on the buses or don blue rinses.

In fairness, the OAPs were just as befuddled to find themselves at Goodison, having booked a coach with the same firm as City for a non-footballing day-trip to Liverpool.

Meanwhile, the real City coach waited on the outskirts of Liverpool wondering where their police outriders had got to.

Unwelcome

exposure

It was a lovely photograph, the evidently inebriated Den Haag fan, clutching a beer bottle in his left hand, with his arm around the local mayor's shoulders.

Mayor Wim Deetman, who had just emerged from a meeting with club directors, smiled obligingly, evidently chuffed to be asked to pose for a photo by one of the club's die-hard supporters, after which they shook hands and parted. But then Mayor Deetman was alerted to the presence of the photo on a website. And when he had a look he noted that the inebriated Den Haag fan was exposing an unmentionable part of his anatomy while the photo was being taken.

Den Haag responded by announcing that the fan is no longer welcome at its stadium while Mayor Deetman is now taking legal action. He can cope with flashing cameras, but flashing football supporters is, clearly, a step too far.

Quotes of the week

"You've got 25 to 30 babies with dummies ready to come out any time for various reasons. It's about giving them TLC, tender loving care, in their different ways. They've all got different pains."

- David O'Leary, at it again, this time at Aston Villa, still sounding like David Brent.

"Last weekend I heard a young lady say that Newcastle had won only one game in their last six. She could have said Newcastle have only lost one game in their last six or two in their last 13, but she didn't say that either."

- Bobby Robson, on damn supporters, lies and statistics.

"They respected us enough to every now and again try and cheat."

- Yeovil manager Gary Johnson paying tribute to Liverpool after yesterday's FA Cup game, in particular to El Hadji Diouf and Harry Kewell's (right) ability to fall over phantom feet.

"I eat football, I sleep football, I breathe football: I'll even sit and watch an English Conference game."

- Thierry Henry (above). He may be a genius, but the lad needs to get out more.

"I have spent nothing - and if you look at my squad it is probably worth nothing."

- Leicester manager Micky Adams, giving a generous assessment of the value of his squad.

"Henry is one of the best in the world and I definitely respect him - but I don't fear him."

- Baby Leeds defender Matthew Kilgannon ahead of yesterday's FA Cup game. His probable post-match assessment of Henry? "I definitely respect him - and he scares the crap out of me."

"When you are not wanted in Italy they treat you like the scum round the bath."

- Sam Allardyce welcomes ex-AC Milan striker Javi Moreno to Bolton by spraying him with Cif.

Keegan praise on Dunne's mind Early last season Kevin Keegan chose to heap praise on Richard Dunne, declaring that "his training has been excellent, his attitude excellent and his time-keeping excellent". Three days later the player was suspended by City for "a serious breach of club discipline".

Last week Keegan was at it again - "Richard has gone to hell and back. But he is now showing the potential he first showed years ago when he was at Everton. He has done some silly things in the past but his last six or seven games for us have been outstanding."

Saturday? Dunne had his worst game of the season, a "mare", as football folk call it, at fault for both Leicester goals and almost conceding a third. Moral of the story? Hold yer whist Kevin.

Pleat in the dark about Africa

The African Nations Cup has been held every second year since 1957 but its appearance in the footballing calendar always seems to come as something of a shock to European managers, most of whom are immensely irritated by the fact it is timed to suit the African club season, and not their own.

"Him having to go off to the Africa Nations Cup does leave me bewildered," said Sam Allardyce of Jay-Jay Okocha's (hardly-a-shock) call-up by Nigeria. "The rules are so unfair, it just shouldn't happen - if I could get a court order, I'd go and get one tomorrow and slap it on Nigeria," said the Bolton manager, who, you'd have to assume, was aware that Okocha was Nigerian when he signed him (after all, he'd won over 60 caps for his country by then).

And now Spurs' David Pleat is a touch upset about Fredi Kanoute's plans to play for Mali, the country of his parents' birth, in the finals. Pleat, who once attempted to underline his footballing pedigree by declaring "I was inbred into the game by my father", is peeved that Kanoute was French when he joined Spurs and hadn't declared any ambition to play for Mali.

A reasonable complaint, perhaps, but Pleat's pronouncement that "I don't even know where Mali is" simply served to lift him to the top of the list of 2004's Greatest Dorks - and the year is only five days old.

Rivaldo completes dud double

Zinedine Zidane might have missed out on a notable double in 2003 - he won the World Player of the Year award but the European gong went to Pavel Nedved - but Rivaldo has succeeded where the Frenchman failed.

Having already clinched the "Golden Dustbin" trophy, awarded by Italian radio station RAI for the worst player in Serie A, the Brazilian completed the double last week by beating Sergio Conceicao and Gabriel Batistuta to take the "Wooden Ball", the annual prize given by magazine Max to, well, the worst player in Serie A.

The tribute paid to him on www.gazzetta.it was touching: "his bald head and sunken face remind some of aliens in the popular science fiction television series, Babylon 5". Lovely.