Stan the nearly man

"Staunton in Britney Shocker" read the Coventry Evening Telegraph headline. How we giggled at the notion of a liaison between Stevie and Spearsie. We read on. "Veteran Coventry City defender Steve Staunton has stunned the twin worlds of showbiz and sport by admitting: 'Britney Spears' marriage? It could have been me' . . . so I'm taking a 'there but for the grace of God go I' sort of line on the whole affair." Dropped jaw.

"I thought it was just a bit of a laugh when I first heard the news, but when I sat down and really considered the whole scenario, I don't mind admitting that it chilled me to the bone," said Staunton, in reference to young Britney's brief marriage in Las Vegas.

The Dundalk "Oops I did it again" Dynamo revealed that the only thing that stood in the way of him being the man who married the pop goddess in Las Vegas that fateful night was Villa's FA Cup game with Peterborough ("I was asleep in the Midlands rather than partying in America"). "I'm just glad we didn't tie the knot that wild and crazy night, although I really can't, hand on heart, rule out that possibility in the future."

Explanation? A man by the name of David Wardale is employed by the Telegraph to create strange and wacky stories about Coventry City players. After this effort we politely suggest that he be subjected to a performance-enhancing drug test.

Ranieri quotes of the week

"I don't know how many Italian journalists have called me to tell me that Christian Vieri was coming. Oh yes, I told them, I'm going to the station to pick him up!"

- After spending a day at Waterloo waiting for a striker who never turned up.

"Every day I read the papers and go to the airport to see if any new strikers have arrived."

- After spending a day at Heathrow waiting for a striker who never turned up.

"When I call my mother she will say: 'Well done, son, for bringing him back'."

- After spending a day listening to his Ma swoon about Damien Duff.

"I've never been to Scarborough. Not yet. I know it is a nice place and a good beach, although not for me."

- After spending a day trying to find Scarborough (next FA Cup opponents) on the map.

Nothing flowing from this Rio

When Rio Ferdinand limped out of Manchester United's game against Wolves at Molineux on Saturday, most probably not to return for eight months, we noted the sympathetic and compassionate way the home supporters serenaded him off the pitch: "You couldn't p**s in a bottle, p**s in a bottle, you couldn't p**s in a bottle." Beautiful.

Quotes of the week

"Gerard Houllier has declared that Liverpool's goal-machine Emile Heskey is going nowhere. Well, he said it."

- Don't blame us, blame the Guardian.

"What he found out that night was that football is chalk and cheese, and it will be the same next time. Although I don't know whether it will be chalk or whether it will be cheese."

- Bobby Robson on Kieron Dyer's displays as an emergency striker. Other than that, we can't help.

Rodney Marsh (on Sky Sports): "Tarnat? Sounds like an Egyptian mummy from an old B movie, doesn't he?"

- Jeff Stelling, Frank McLintock and Matt Le Tissier: Blank expressions that asked "what?".

"If the crowd only wants to come and watch models then they should go and buy a copy of Playboy."

- Norway's Lise Klaveness on Sepp Blatter's suggestion that women footballers should wear tighter shorts.

Big Ron hits his stride

A hefty thank you to Conor who emailed us an alleged transcription of an alleged exchange between Ron Atkinson and Gabby Yorath on ITV, on the subject of players leaving their English clubs to play in the African Nations Cup.

Ron: "If they go why not stop their wages? Why don't they play the tournament in the summer?"

Gabby: "Well, it gets very hot in the summer, Ron."

R: "That's not an argument. They're from there, they know how hot it is."

G: "Well, they haven't all been brought up over there, Ron."

R: "Well, if they're not from there, what are they doing playing for them?"

G: "Well, what about the likes of Andy Townsend playing for Ireland?"

R: "Andy doesn't mind the heat in Ireland."

G: "Good to have you back on the show, Ron."

Four words: Couldn't. Make. It. Up.

More quotes of the week

"In the first stage the rumours (about him being sacked) were irritating. At the second stage they became extremely entertaining. It got to the point where Sam Allardyce was being linked with my job last week. That was funny."

- Gerard Houllier tempts fate.

"Sometimes it can be difficult to get a cross in to Alan Shearer. Alan can get a bit sick about that, but it's difficult, jumping, jumping and jumping, especially at his age."

- Noberto Solano, thinking of starting a 'Help the Aged' campaign at St James' Park.

"As far as Martin O'Neill goes, I don't think the speculation about him and my job will come back again."

- Gerard Houllier spots a pig flying past Anfield.

"Manchester City are a big club - I know 'big club' is a word used loosely these days."

- David James? Not that loosely.

Stick to English

"I was determined to get an English speaker because I wanted someone who could communicate with the back four," said Kevin Keegan last week, explaining why he'd bought David James to replace David Seaman.

"Communication is going to be the key, and I intend to be very vocal with my team-mates - if it takes some plain old English to get my point across, then so be it," said James, on his arrival in Manchester.

Six of the seven defenders City have used this season? David Sommeil (French), Gerard Wiekens (Dutch), Sylvain Distin (French), Jihai Sun (Chinese), Michael Tarnat (German) and Mikkel Bischoff (Danish).

Incidentally, James paid several moving tributes to the now retired Seaman last week, but when we checked the archives we found this exchange. Reporter: "What have you learnt from David Seaman?" David James: "Hair grows fast."