"Dennis Wise will be the captain. He is a very intelligent person. Although I do not speak English, you can speak to him with your eyes."

- New Chelsea coach Claudio Ranieri. Crikey.

"I will do anything within my power to get us out of this situation: become a priest, dress up as a nun, or take holy vows every day."

- Atletico Madrid owner Jesus Gil after the club lost their opening three games of the season - in the Spanish second division.

"One team concentrated on playing football and the other on ballroom dancing."

- Angel Fernandez, vice-president of Barcelona, generous in defeat after the Spaniard's trashing by Besiktas in the Champions League.

"He may not dwell too much on tactics but, as we all know, his strength is as a motivator."

- England goalkeeper David Seaman inadvertently confirms that Kev Keegan is, em, tactically naive.