"The first goal was bad, the second was chronic and the third was shambolic, to be fair."

- Alan Hansen finds room for improvement in Liverpool's defence after their 3-1 defeat by Celta Vigo.

"I would only take over England if I could sabotage their team."

- Alex Ferguson, he of "Scots are the master race" fame, reveals he would only take on the England job if he were allowed carry on in much the same fashion as his predecessor, Glenn Hoddle.

"Nicolas Anelka must learn to stroke his balls."

- A contributor to a discussion on London radio station Capital Gold, after Arsenal's game against Lens on Wednesday, suggests the French striker should be more composed in front of goal. At least that's what we'd like to think they meant.

"No, they're not that good - I'll have to bring them in the car."

- Duncan Ferguson on whether his racing pigeons would be making their own way up to their new home in the north east of England after his move from Everton to Newcastle. (Imagine Big Dunc arriving at St James' Park with 500 pigeons sitting on his back seat).

"The local blind school in Switzerland."

- Alex Ferguson's curious response to a Spanish journalist who asked him who he'd like Manchester United to meet in the European Cup Final.