"To be honest, I can't remember him scoring a goal that wasn't memorable." - Comment heard on BBC Radio Five Live by a reader of Private Eye.

Roy Keane: "We're just not good enough."

Alex Ferguson: "We are as good as Bayern."

"I wasn't good, and day after day I was bad and bad and bad and more bad and played badly, badly, badly." - Sunderland reserve goalkeeper Lionel Perez reflects on his bad and bad and bad days at Newcastle.

"Since they are going to score, they are going to win. Once they score, they will win. I am confident they will go through." - Eric Cantona's crystal ball needs seeing to after this prediction for that game in Munich.

"Alfie said that he was lucky that he had [his leg in the air. He's seen it again on the television and had his leg been on the floor I think we would still be looking for it." - Manchester City manager Joe Royle on that tackle by Roy Keane on Alf Inge Haaland.

"It's always a difficult game at Roker Park." - Newcastle manager Bobby Robson, ahead of Saturday's derby against Sunderland, unaware that Peter Reid's boys left Roker for the Stadium of Light a few seasons back.