"When I say that he needs to stand up and be counted, I mean that he needs to sit down and take a look at himself in the mirror."

- Former Spurs defender Gary Mabbutt's see-saw advice to Alex Ferguson.

"You can never say a goal is better than sex - all the guys that say that are not having proper sex."

- Chelsea's Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink (right) responding to Alan Shearer, amongst others, who claim that hitting the back of the net is as thrilling as life gets.

"You never put it past Man United."

- Peter Schmeichel, who clearly hasn't studied United's "goals against" column this season.

"Liverpool have always had a hard time playing in Italy, especially against Italian teams."

- ESPN's Tommy Smyth (with thanks to Jody O'Dea).

"I didn't know very much about Charlton, but since they contacted me, I tried to find out more about them. And I know more now than I knew last week."

- Portugal's Jorge Costa on his rigorous efforts to familiarise himself with all things Charlton (as seen on Football 365).

"One doesn't want to be too pompous or anything, but Cardiff are a substantially bigger club than Leeds. We're not in awe of them - it's the other way round."

- Cardiff City owner Sam Hammam. Riiight.