"If you don't finish that porridge I'll set Red Collier on ya," used to be the popular meal-time threat in our house many years ago. At that stage we had no idea who Red Collier was, but the fact that our parents thought the mere mention of his name would encourage us to gobble up what Flahavan's tried to pass off as food, made us fear him like we feared no other. So, thanks to Red Collier, we always finished our porridge.
And there he was, on TnaG's Sportiris Speisialta last Tuesday night, playing for Meath in the 1968 No Compromise Rules game against Australia. "Meath played the Australians with special rules," explained the commentator, which, you could guess, meant "you hit us boys, we'll hit you harder". The programme was made up highlights of the sporting year and the best of Sportiris, TnaG's often excellent sports magazine, which included some superb archive footage (including Collier brushing off the challenge of about 12 Merv Hughes lookalikes) that brought to life some of the Irish sporting legends that some of us have only read about.
There was an interview with Danoli, through his interpreter Tom Foley, Mick `Miley' Lally reminiscing about his sporting hero Muhammad Ali ("he had a great store of poems and ditties", Lally said - maybe something was lost in the subtitled translation) and Eddie Jordan apologising for his poor Gaeilge, but expressing confidence in Damon O'Chnoic's ability to win the team some races next season.
Best of all was a short piece on a schoolgirls' Gaelic Football final at Croke Park last year when Scoil Bhride played St Francis Xavier for the Royal Breffni Cup. "We played them before and they slashed us, so we knew we were going to come back here and get equal," said one of the victorious St Francis players, who looked young enough to have asked for a Tellytubby at Christmas.
The cameras then went into the losers' dressing room and panned across the faces of the bawling, redeyed, inconsolable Scoil Bhride players, who were sitting in a line along the wall. You'd want to be made of tough stuff not to have gulped at least once. (Whatever happens in sport in 1998 PLEASE God let Scoil Bhride return to Croke Park and win the Royal Breffni Cup). Like Scoil Bhride, the Irish rugby team are hoping for a happier 1998 - their 1997 misfortunes featured in both Sportiris Speisialta and RTE's The Sporting Year on Friday. Michael Lyster was in fierce feisty form when he interviewed Irish rugby manager Pat Whelan, sounding positively Jeremy Paxman-like in his analysis of the year's mishaps. "In international rugby we look forward to what this new year may bring because, in truth, Pat Whelan, it's difficult to look back," he said. Ouch.
"Nonetheless we must reflect on eight matches played in '97, two wins, 33 tries conceded," he added. "But that was 1997 - we're in '98 now so we'll forget about that," countered Whelan. "This year we have Scotland and Wales at home so if we can win those two matches then, hopefully, we'll be heading for Twickenham for the Triple Crown," he said, without a hint of a giggle. Then it was off to Shannon Airport, where Marty Morrissey was trying to smuggle himself on to the plane that was about to take the Clare hurlers off to America for their two-week holiday in San Diego and Hawaii. In a scene almost as gulp-inducing as the one in the Scoil Bhride dressing-room, Clare goalkeeper David Fitzgerald, who can't join his teammates on their holiday because of work commitments, was left standing in the airport building, watching the plane take off before leaving to drive home in the rain, wind, sleet, snow and sub-zero temperatures. If Macaulay Culkin isn't available for the next Home Alone film, the producers should give Fitzgerald a ring, he'd have no difficulty in playing the part.
At least, unlike his team mates, Fitzgerald didn't miss the very first edition of Saturday Sport Live, the programme that has replaced Sports Stadium in Network Two's schedule. "Hello and welcome to Saturday Sport Live - new title, new concept," promised presenter Bill O'Herlihy on Saturday. But, in truth, Saturday Sport Live IS Sports Stadium, minus the bits nobody watched.
There IS one ginormous difference, however, between the two shows - you didn't need sunglasses when you watched Sports Stadium. Whoever designed the extraordinarily, psychedelic, multi-coloured, graffiti-spray-painted backdrop that hung from the wall behind Bill on Saturday must live on a diet of magic mushrooms.
After five minutes or so you found yourself blinking like you do when you stare directly at the sun. The only saving grace was that, for once, Bill was wearing a sober-coloured jacket (dark blue). That was fine until we got a wide-angle shot - then Bill's head appeared to be floating in mid air, because his blue jacket blended in with the blue desk he was sitting at. Vicarage Road was the first portof-call for Saturday Sport Live, for the FA Cup match between Watford and Sheffield Wednesday. However, after Friday's game between Celtic and Rangers on Sky Sports, it was hard to get excited about a match involving a Graham Taylor-managed team, indeed ANY match.
"There will be optimism here that, maybe, on New Year's Day, for the first time in 10 years, Celtic can beat Rangers," said commentator Martin Tyler, who must have had a rough New Year's Eve because the date was actually January 2nd. One suspects that by Friday night Celtic fans couldn't have told you what year it was, never mind the day, if you'd enquired. The only thing missing from their glorious 2-0 victory was a Paul Gascoigne sending-off, but they did manage to provoke him into playing an imaginary flute when he was warming up to come on.
If Gascoigne felt aggrieved about the chants of the Celtic fans - relating to wife-beating allegations - he should have a word with his goalkeeper, Andy Goram. When he told a Scottish newspaper in 1995 that he had been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia, Goram was probably hoping for a sympathetic reception from Kilmarnock fans during his next match. And what did he get? Chants of "There's only two Andy Gorams" for the duration of the game. And Gazza thought he had it rough.
