Under interim coach Matt Sherratt, Wales would, Matt Williams assured us prematch, get “a dead cat bounce”, but his question was: “How high does a dead cat bounce?” Joe Molloy had no answer, possibly never having experimented in this area. “Not very high,” Matt informed him, sounding like a man who had.
Come half-time, though, Matt and the Virgin Media lads were having kittens, Wales bouncing so high it was as if Sherratt had supplied them with a trampoline. As Jonathan Davies had put it over on the BBC, when that Jac Morgan try sent the Welsh on their way to a 13-10 half-time lead, “well, well, well”.
Before the game, Gabby Logan had asked Jonathan to list out all of Welsh rugby’s problems, but he wasn’t allotted the four hours he needed, so he just gave us the gist. So, to lift Jonathan and the nation’s spirits, them being at floor-level, Gabby wondered if Irish “complacency” might be a factor in Cardiff ... and she only went and mentioned the Off the Ball shower “saying Ireland could beat Wales with 12 or 13 men”.
“It’s sloppy journalism,” sighed a decidedly peeved Tommy Bowe. “As Donncha O’Callaghan said, ‘I’d like to see those three lads get out of their nice cosy studio, strap on the boots and try to take on this Welsh team'. That’s the sort of cannon fodder that’s put up on changing room walls. They were just hoping to get clicks on social media.”
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Back on Virgin Media, they were trying, ish, to be more respectful, resisting any notion that even three Off the Ball lads could beat Wales under the roof in Cardiff.
What would a combined Ireland-Wales 15 look like, asked Joe. “There’s nobody from Wales that gets into that team,” said Rob Kearney, “and I don’t mean that to be disrespectful”.
“It’s hard to look good in this Welsh team,” said Joe, “but it’s not to ask the question in a disrespectful way”.
Shane Horgan, though, thought the only way was up for Wales. Joe: “Are you guys expecting a good Welsh performance today?” Shane: “It’s actually going to be difficult for them to play any worse than they have in those two opening games.”
But Shane sounded a warning: “The Six Nations has a funny way of making you look like an eejit.”
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And so it proved in that first half, despite an early Jack Conan try. All was well at that stage, the BBC’s Andrew Cotter even hearing “the clattering hooves of Tadhg Beirne arriving” when he plucked a restart from the skies, but thereafter? “Wales, out of the darkness and into the light,” Andrew proclaimed.
“You just said, ‘nothing is normal any more’,” said Gabby to Martin Johnson at the break. “It’s just what we expected, isn’t it,” he chuckled, “Wales to be ahead at half-time.”
Worse, Garry Ringrose’s yellow card for a head-on-head hit on Ben Thomas was upgraded to a red. Tommy had no arguments with the decision. “Garry’s a great guy, the sort of player you’d love to come home to your daughter … and then he’s done that to a Welsh player – he’s out the door, he’s not coming home to my daughter.”
So, with Garry confined to the bench, and his prospects of Tommy ever becoming his da-in-law lost and gone forever, the second half kicked off. And the dead cat kept on bouncing. Try, 18-10. But in time, all became well with the world, Ireland responding with 17 unanswered points, the only nervy moment when Ellis Mee touched down. Or did he? Jonathan: “I think he gets it down!” Andrew: “You do surprise me!” No try.
Ireland’s 14th Triple Crown, the celebrations so muted you’d think they’d been presented with a wooden spoon post-match. “And it’s not like we have a million of them,” said Joe. Between 1950 and 1982 there were none at all, same between 1986 and 2003. Youngish people of Ireland? You’re spoilt.
But, yes, yes, the eyes are on a bigger prize, of grand slam proportions, so there was no partying in the Virgin Media studio. “I don’t think there are many positives to take from that game,” said Shane. “A huge amount of learning,” said Rob. Matt was busy in the corner retesting the bounce of dead cats.
“Final word on today,” asked Joe. “I don’t think we need to panic,” Shane replied.
If the word “panic” is even mentioned when you win just your 14th Triple Crown since 1894, you’re the cat that got the cream. A live one, mind, bouncy too, despite Saturday’s impurrfections.
