It could have been called ‘The Six Nations-Plus-Georgia-And-Fiji Cup’, but that wouldn’t have had a ring about it, so the Autumn Nations Cup it is. And as part of his welcome to Ireland’s opening game, RTÉ’s Daire O’Brien tried to give us a taste of the atmosphere outside the Aviva Stadium. But on discovering there was none, divil a soul about, just a few commuters winding their way home, he gave up and joined his pitchside panel at their very tall, socially distanced coffee tables.
The last time we saw Eddie O'Sullivan and Jamie Heaslip line up beside each other was over on Virgin Media when you'd have sworn there was some history between them, so you'd have been wondering if part of their contract for their loan move to RTÉ included a Brolly/Spillane-inspired clause insisting they couldn't disagree about everything.
Daire: “Wales?”
Eddie: “I wouldn’t be worried about Wales as a team.”
Jamie: “I’d be worried about Wales as a team.”
Etc.
No clause, then.
Stephen Ferris, meanwhile, was just focussed on the physique of debutant James Lowe - "he just walked past, he's like Quadzilla!" - while Eddie got in to the festive spirit with talk of "green sprouts" ("green SHOOTS, Brussels SPROUTS," Jamie only just resisted declaring) which he hoped to see from Ireland during the tournament.
Breaking team news: Jacob Stockdale and Iain Henderson ruled out through injury. A blow for Andy Farrell, said Daire, at which point Stephen Kenny might well have chucked his gum shield at his telly, him averaging the late loss of, on average, 96 players before each of his six games in charge of our Association Football team thus far. "A BLOW?! A BLOW?! LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT BLOWS!"
Over on Channel 4, meanwhile, Lee McKenzie was congratulating Rob Kearney on being related to Joe Biden, meaning he’ll be hanging out in the Oval Office soon, unless yer man barricades himself into the place, before telling us that Alun Wyn Jones, who was about to win his 150th cap, “has played in 19 per cent of all Wales’ Test matches ever”. The stat of all stats.
May we raise an issue here? Why are there light shows and tunes and stadium announcers at games where no spectators are present? Johnny Sexton had to practice his kicking to the strains of Coldplay's 'A sky full of stars' and when it was anthems time the announcer implored the empty seats to "please stand". They didn't, which seemed disrespectful to the visitors, but empty seats being inanimate objects, what could they do?
No matter. Anthems. Either Jones and his comrades belong in a male voice choir, or they were miming Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau to a soundtrack of a male voice choir. Whatever, douze points.
Ireland’s Call is, of course, routinely and mundanely mauled, so we won’t go there (expect to say: that version, featuring a heap of Irish rugby fans singing along to a kind of a barber shop rendition of the tune on a monster Zoom-like screen in the stadium was possibly the most Irish rugby thing in the history of Irish rugby things).
The match? Oh yeah.
Half-time, Ireland 16-6 up, the panel decidedly content, although Jamie started talking about pots of three and dog-legs, which, for some of us, meant he might has well have been talking Urdu.
Full-time: Ireland won 32-9.
“And when you win 32-9 in a test game, you can’t complain,” said Eddie, before complaining that “Ireland didn’t convert their opportunities” and that “Wales were abysmal”.
We can’t complain, though, Ireland are up and running in the Six Nations-Plus-Georgia-And-Fiji Cup, and that’s not a line most of us expected to read last March.
Eddie: ‘I certainly didn’t.’
Jamie: ‘I totally did.’
