Victorious post-match interactions between Joe Schmidt and press reporters feel like the school principal inadvertently wandering behind the sheds.
Except the roles are oddly reversed; the smokers surround Prof Schmidt with burning questions. Knowing these bums are way beyond redemption the figure of authority adopts a casual, playful tone to combat most inquiries.
Eventually he latches onto a topic and gobbles up the allotted time, thereby forcing us to spend the final seconds climbing over each other in a bid to extract the pertinent information.
Come on Joe, Joey Carbery’s a goner, right? Is he going to make the flight to Tokyo?
He’ll see in the morning and promises to tell us.
Any players on standby back home (we hear Jack Carty, not JJ Hanrahan or Ian Keatley or Ross Byrne but the Connacht number 10)?
“Yeah, there are guys on standby, but what happens is when they go away on holiday as they normally would, they just take their boots and their gumshield. They let us know where they are so the logistics people can plot a course for them.”
Japan is lovely in June, everyone giggles.
“I think from that perspective we’re not planning to call any of the standby lads up, but there are lads on standby who are willing. I have no problem letting you know because for anyone who comes in, someone’s going out and you’ll find out.”
I can't imagine I am going to go too hard on him. He's disappointed he didn't finish out the game
But Joe, you’ll come down hard on Joey, yeah? His clangers, after all, gifted these American also-rans 14 easy points. What horrid punishment, pray tell, will he be subjected to?
“The first [kicking] option was superb, the space was there, he just took too long,” Schmidt replies. “Looking at the replay it’s just the fingertips of the guy and if we land in behind there was a chance for us to get into space.”
"With Joey," Joe adds, as these roughnecks continue to question the wunderkind, "he's a natural player, you want to encourage him to keep playing naturally and I just want him to learn from the experience.
“I can’t imagine I am going to go too hard on him. He’s disappointed he didn’t finish out the game. There is probably enough that has gone wrong for him today without me jumping on the back of it.”
Paddy Jackson is incoming but Ireland need another place kicker on tour, surely? Carbery was floating them all over town while Rory Scannell missed one underneath the posts. And Joe, Joey hasn't played much at 10 this year so, maybe, you'll speak to Leinster, set them straight?
“No. I’m not sure how people think it operates but Leinster make their own decisions re selection and on the back of that we try to mix and match as best we can. It is hard for him to get time at Leinster because he is a natural player and because Johnny is there and Ross Byrne has emerged as a really good player.
"I think Leo [Cullen] is doing a fantastic job really pushing some of these young players through. I envisage James Ryan will get back there and be involved pretty well at the start of next year."
Fast-tracked
Ryan being the new Paulie, Mal even, right? Go on, heap pressure on the boy you fast-tracked into green after just 80 minutes for Munster Development versus the Ireland 20s before he's even donned Leinster blue.
Schmidt sniffs the tasty looking bait before swimming under the boat.
"You never want to make too many outrageous predictions for young players . . . Kieran Treadwell is 21-years-old, and it's a fast track for him too, he's been working incredibly hard and hopefully those two start to apply some pressure on the two more experienced lads."
What about the Lions? Has Gatty been on, looking for Ringrose or maybe even Keith Earls?
“If you find out about [any Lions additions] I’d really appreciate a heads up,” he grins. “None at the moment and I just hope Gats doesn’t see Earlsy running around today ‘cos he’s got such great feet, acceleration, he’s great value.”
We cavil about flying economy class but Schmidt’s already gone, back into the classroom where unquotable students sit bolt upright to be embalmed in “work-ons” and “learnings” as the contently sullied slope away to strike another match, go start anew.
