World Cup TV View: "Where do your loyalties lie?" the Sky News reporter asked the Agnetha-from-Abba lookalike, the daughter of the owner of a Swedish pub in the Cotswolds, who was wearing a Viking hat and a T-shirt emblazoned with the Swedish flag and had a bottle of raspberry-flavoured Absolut vodka in one hand (honest) and a pickled herring plucked from a smorgasbord in the other.
God knows, she probably had a Volvo parked outside. "Eh, Sveeden," she told him. And he seemed genuinely surprised.
Meanwhile. "Where do your loyalties lie?" the Sky News reporter in Cologne didn't really need to ask the woman with three lions on her shirt, who appeared to be a tad well oiled. "Eh, Sveeden," she didn't say, instead: "England are the greatest team in the world (hic) - and I've never even 'eard of Eckwadoh." Eckwadoh, then, having lost to Germany earlier in the day, awaited the winners of England's group. Germany were decent enough, but they failed to convince ITV commentator Jon Champion.
"There is just still that suspicion that they're a lot like a car with faulty brakes; you know they're going to crash at some point, it's a question of when," he said.
England, of course, have had the handbrake on since they arrived in Germany, a fact that, Graeme Souness told us, had astounded their supporters, who had been wondering "who they'd play in the final". This was harsh, we felt; we've yet to come across any England supporters who were that presumptuous.
Over on ITV. Steve Rider was explaining to us that if England topped their group they'd probably meet Argentina or Germany in the final, having beaten Brazil or Spain in the semi-final.
"The important thing is to look beyond Germany or Ecuador and avoid who in particular?" he asked Tel Venables. "Well, Argentina," said Tel, prompting Sam (Allardyce) and Stu (Pearce) to nod furiously. "What you do is, you plan for it, but that's your second plan. Your first plan is tomorrow, and if that's not right you don't even get a chance to do it," explained Tel.
Sam and Stu had stopped nodding; they had no clue what Tel was on about.
Back on RTÉ the Big Four were on duty, so it must have been serious.
"Graeme, I'm looking forward to this immensely and I think we might see a new England tonight - am I being optimistic?" asked Bill, who, by his very words, had provoked Eamo into pursing his lips in a highly provocative manner.
"Well, I think if you're English and you're a supporter of them you'd certainly want them to be different," said Graeme.
"Well, that's Bill," said Brady of his host, accusing him of being a bit of a Bulldog.
"What's your take on Hargreaves, will he give them a midfield stability and a comfort they haven't had until now?" asked Bulldog.
"No," said Eamo. A lovely tribute.
The panel then agreed that the solution to England's midfield muddle was to drop Joe Cole, a suggestion with which this couch heartily concurred. As the saying goes, he couldn't hit a cow's backside with a banjo, so goal-shy is the lad. A bit like Marcus Allback.
"He's just a big lad who chases after things," said Liam of the misfiring Swede.
"I've an awful feeling they'll trash Sweden," said Bill. "What's awful about that?" asked Liam, noting that the Bulldog had changed his spots.
"I don't mean awful," said Bill, "I mean it in a good way." Too late, Bill, the letters pages will be flooded.
Des Lynam, in his newspaper column, complained the other day that "high-pitched" English commentators got so over-excited about events on the pitch if they went "any higher, only dogs would hear them".
Thirty-fourth minute. Clive Tyldesley: "Joe Cole. Why not? Goooooooooooooal!"
"Ah, Clive, keep it down," begged Fido.
Half-time. "England. Have. Done. Well. A. Great. Goal. They. Have. Deserved. It. Thoroughly." Poor Eamo nearly choked on the words.
"Joe Cole scored a wonder goal, which you wouldn't expect from him," gushed Gilesie. But back on ITV the mood was sombre, in light of Owen's injury.
"We might have to go to a 4-3-3-4-5-1 now," said Sam, a formation, you'd have to assume, would give England one heck of an advantage.
And then Allback scored. As did Steven Gerrard. And Henrik Larsson too. As if they didn't love him enough in Glasgow.
So, Eckwadoh it is for England. As Gabby Logan put it a few days ago, "without wishing to take things for granted (about Eckwadoh), England will never get a more straightforward path to the quarter-finals than that". Hmm.
