On Cricket:The first day of Ireland's Intercontinental Cup tie against Scotland last week was the worst day's cricket I've ever seen. This is no idle boast; I've seen some really bad ones.
The Scots came to Belfast short a few players and lacking any hint of positive intent. They scored at just above a run an over for six hours. Only a late burst of activity took them to 183 for six by close of play off 101 overs.
It was down there with a day at The Oval in 1983 when I saw England play New Zealand. Early in the day Jeremy Coney scored a century, the highlight of which was a leg glance. When England went in to bat, Chris Tavare and Graeme Fowler put on 150 for the first wicket. What made it worse was the elegant magician David Gower, then in the form of his life, was sitting on the pavilion balcony for three hours with pads on, next man in.
At the end of the day, as a night watchman was summoned, we noticed Gower unbuckling his pads. The man next to me cried real tears.
On Black Thursday we didn't even have hope to sustain us, but luckily for Irish cricket there was nobody at Stormont to watch. In a fight, the players would have had the crowd surrounded.
In the pavilion a collection of former ICU presidents gathered, at the invitation of the incumbent, Tom Prior. There are 22 former presidents still with us. As the only one to have played for Ireland before the second World War, Stewart Pollock was guest of honour. "What is the collective noun for a group of cricket presidents?" I asked. "A blazer," came the reply.
Perhaps it was the sheer tedium of the cricket, but by tea a rebellion was being planned. The pavilion at Stormont has a room for media, next to the main restaurant, where officials and players tuck in to lavish meals. We hacks eat from paper bags, noses pressed against the glass.
"Flangate" was conceived, a daring hit-and-run on the dessert trolley, placed tantalisingly outside our door. Ian Callender of the Belfast Telegraph drew the short straw. He came back with four strawberry cheesecakes under his coat and pink icing on his moustache.
On Friday, when Ireland finally got to bat, they showed that the wicket was in excellent order, rattling up 473 in 110 overs.
Andre Botha's 183 was a great effort, as was Alex Cusack's ton on his first-class debut for Ireland. Their sixth-wicket partnership broke a record dating back to the 19th century.
The previous best was during Ireland's match against I Zingari at the Phoenix Park in 1896.
According to that venerable cricket resource Wikipedia, I Zingari's club colours are black, red and gold, symbolising their motto: "Out of darkness, through fire, into light."
That, actually, is a perfect description of last week's game.
For Ireland it is Bermuda next week at Castle Avenue, the last game of the season.
The Scots have a more glamorous engagement; thanks to their efforts in the World Cricket League last January, they will appear in the inaugural World Twenty20 tournament in South Africa next month. They'd better get a move on for that one.
No foreign trips are planned for the Ireland boys as yet. Niall O'Brien is chewing over an offer of coaching and playing in New Zealand. Others are weighing up club offers Down Under.
Phil Simmons, who will travel with the under-19s to the World Cup in Malaysia in February, is keen to take the squad away. Trinidad has been mooted.
But ICU finances being what they are, not to mention the players' work commitments, he may find himself with a battle on his hands on that one.
