TV View: Lord Foster, the architect of the new Wembley, was telling us on the BBC that the stadium has 2,600 toilets, which, we learnt, was good news for John "Motty" Motson.

"There's a toilet very nearby our commentary position - there wasn't in the old Wembley," he beamed, which, in hindsight, explained why Motty used to come over all emotional in the past when FA Cup finals went to extra-time.

By all accounts you could fit 25,000 buses inside the new Wembley, but why, having spent £798 million on the place, you'd want to use it as a parking space for double-deckers is hard to know. But this is what Sky Sports told us, just to give us a feel for its scale.

"It's majestic," Graeme Souness swooned, "I would say it's the best football stadium I've ever been in."

"It's quite fantastic," said Ray Wilkins, while Jamie Redknapp, as is often the case, just couldn't find the words.

The BBC team were no less enthusiastic, waxing lyrical about the world's most expensive stadium. A resounding triumph, then, was the consensus. Well, almost. As the crisps people say, "there's always one".

"What are your first impressions of the new Wembley?" Jake Humphrey asked a man called Henry, who has missed only one FA Cup final since 1951.

"It looks more like an airport than anything else," he said, at which point Jake handed swiftly back to Gary Lineker.

As kick-off approached, Des Lynam, the Wembley MC, interviewed Bob Geldof on the pitch about world hunger, just to get us in the mood, while back on Sky, Jeff Shreeves was asking Jose Mourinho, "How are you going to beat United today?"

"By scoring one more goal than them," said Jose, leaving Jeff sorry he asked.

Ray, meanwhile, was expressing his heartfelt desire that we have "a humdinger of a game" worthy of the occasion, but with his colours firmly nailed to the fence, as a former United and Chelsea man, he was inclined to go for a draw. That not being entirely possible at the end of the day, what with penalties on the menu, he admitted to having "a sneaking feeling for Chelsea".

"I just think they're the only team in the Premiership capable of stopping United from scoring," he said. Huh.

Back again to the BBC where Motty was fixating on dogs. "Jose Mourinho's dog made the headlines this week, but if it wasn't for a dog there'd have been no Chelsea and no Man United," he said. "According to a couple of tales/tails I read . . .," he threatened, before being interrupted by the introduction of the Wembley legends. "More of that later," he warned.

Ian St John, Ian Rush, John Barnes, all greeted warmly by United fans foaming at the mouth and loudly questioning their parentage and nocturnal activities. It was moving stuff. All we could hope was that Motty had, by then, forgotten his shaggy dog tales.

"As I was saying, Newton Heath were saved by a St Bernard dog who got lost wandering around a fundraising function with a collecting box around its neck . . .," he continued. Only Abide With Mestopped him in his tracks, the eventide falling just in time.

The match. "It's a good advert for the cricket season," said Mark Lawrenson after 20 minutes.

"The most boring 20 minutes I've seen all season," sighed Motty. If he'd wanted to visit the nearby lavatory, reading the entire day's press while there, he'd have missed nothing.

"People are passing it sideways rather than forwards, they're scared to take a chance," complained Jamie at half-time, an insensitive comment, as it proved, what with Ray sitting beside him. Ray, remember, was dubbed The Crab in his playing days because he and his passes only ever moved sideways.

Off again. "Are there signs we're in for a better second half?" asked Motty, cheerfully, after a minute or three.

"No," said Lawro.

He was almost right. Forgive us for going overboard on detail, but: Drogba scored and Chelsea won.

Jose was almost happy, except for the fact his wife and kids weren't there.

"Why couldn't they come?" asked Shreeves.

"They couldn't come because a big threat to the city of London had to go to Portugal, my 60 centimetres dog," he said.

As Paul Merton put it on Have I Got News for Youlater that night, "They think it's all Rover".

It is now. United's double dog gone.

"Who let the Drog out?" Ian Hislop didn't ask, largely because he's never heard of the Chelsea lad.

He's a cricket man - Hislop, not Drogba - and after Saturday you could hardly blame him.