PLANET SOCCER:WHEN WE read last week about Jermaine Pennant proposing to his Page Three girlfriend in a graveyard we were going to grant him our much coveted "Most Romantic Footballer of the Month" award, but then we saw a photo of Steve Sidwell's bare back.
At first we thought it was a page from the Book of Kells, but then we learned that he has, in fact, his wedding vows tattooed on his back. All 100 words of them.
"It took a couple of hours to complete. As others who have had tattoos will tell you, the experience is a nice pain," he tried to convince us. His wife Krystell was well chuffed, although we did note that her name isn't included in the tattoo, so if things don't work out . . .
The tattoo concludes thus: "Today I have not just found my partner or my soulmate but I have found my best friend. I will need and love you always. I love you. 19-06-05."
Hats off Jermaine Pennant, but Steve Sidwell clinches the prize. And frankly, we're in floods here.
Managing to give their angle
EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK:
Reporter: "Why did you take Wilshere off?"
Arsène Wenger: "At 9.25 it was past his bedtime."
The Arsenal manager explaining why he substituted 16-year-old man-of-the match Jack Wilshere with 15 minutes remaining in last Tuesday's memorable League Cup win over Wigan.
OLD SCHOOL: "If you can't pass the ball properly, a bowl of pasta ain't going to make that much difference."
- Harry Redknapp on all this modern guff about diets.
NEW SCHOOL: "I have impressed upon them the advantages of a Mediterranean diet over ketchup and chips."
- Fabio Capello on the bleak meal-times that lie ahead for his England players.
Expect the 'Arry for England campaign to start now with Rio, Becks, Wazza, Stevie G being the first signatories of the petition.
Quotes of the week
"They must be pretty desperate if they are scraping the barrel for me."
- Rory Delap on the suggestion that he could represent Ireland in the javelin in the 2012 Olympics.
"I don't think the rumours have affected my players. When I reported to meet the team I think they were more disappointed than anyone I hadn't resigned."
- Roy Keane on last week's talk that he'd left Sunderland, and his players', eh, joy that he hadn't.
"You are not my friend, you are a journalist - if you invited me to dinner then I would not attend."
- Jose Mourinho, still making pals at his press conferences.
"I don't actually like people. I'm a loner and if I had my way I'd just walk my dogs every day, never talk to anyone and then die."
- Tony Adams shares his positive outlook on life.
"What made everybody happy in Barack Obama's election was that nobody knows what his ideas are, but the system has brought someone to the top just because they have the quality and nothing else. I think that is right."
- Arsène Wenger explains - and we're guessing here - why it's unimportant that there are so few English players in his Arsenal team.
Tale of Big Ron and his big fish
REMEMBER Peter Ndlovu, the pacy lad from Zimbabwe who had a few good years with Coventry City way, way back in the 1990s? Well, he's 35 now and seeing out his footballing days in South Africa with Thanda Royal Zulu.
Last week the London Evening Standardtracked down Ndlovu's blog and found in it a little tribute to his former Coventry manager Ron Atkinson, who, of course, lost his ITV job a few years back for making a racist remark about Marcel Desailly.
"Big Ron remains a good friend and being called racist was a terrible representation of the man," he wrote.
"In my time at Coventry, he treated me with utmost respect. Big Ron doesn't mean any harm to anyone. Well, apart from one time, when he hit Steve Orgrizovic in the face with a fish during a club trip."
As we suspected, they just don't make 'em like Big Ron any more.
More quotes of the week
"Their goals were just comedy. You'd probably win £250 on Candid Camera for that second one."
- Crystal Palace manager Neil Warnock hails his defence.
"I would love to say what I really want to say, but I can't for obvious reasons. But the sending-off is a joke, an absolute joke of a decision
. . . we were robbed three weeks ago at Anfield, and it was the same thing again here today."
- Wigan manager Steve Bruce ends up saying what he really wanted about Emmerson Boyce's sending-off against Newcastle.
"It was a farcical goal, but he's my goalkeeper. He's got to do the job. This is the situation I have. I have Gomes and another goalkeeper, a Spanish lad who is 37, and then you have kids."
- Harry Redknapp gives a heartfelt vote of confidence to his goalkeeper, Heurelho "Calamity" Gomes.
"What's the big deal? The manager has not picked him - he has not picked lots of players. I am amazed by the publicity he seems to be getting. My God."
- Roy Keane less than gobsmacked by Andy Reid's omission from the Irish squad.
Cassano puts his nose up to a snob
FOOTBALLERS' autobiographies, on the whole, tend to be a bit dull, but Sampdoria's Antonio Cassano (pictured) isn't any old footballer. He's - how do we put this politely? - eccentric, outspoken, controversial and a bit of a rowdy.
Some highlights from his book: An account of a confrontation with Fabio Capello at Roma where he told the current England manager "you're a s**t, you are faker than Monopoly money"; details of a rather active social life ("I was engaged four times in 11 years, and I experienced some adventures. I slept with between 600 and 700 girls, 20 of whom belong to the world of the show business") and a less than friendly relationship with former team-mate Gabriel Batistuta.
"Batistuta was a snob. He was Argentinian but he acted really posh," he wrote. "One day at training we were queuing at the bar, he arrived and pushed in front of me. We were both getting a coffee macchiato. So I stuck a finger up my nose and stirred his drink with it, like it was a spoon."
Available at all good (Italian) bookshops.
