ALL IN THE GAME: END OF SEASON AWARDS:YOU meet the greatest footballer on planet earth. And Javier Mascherano. You'd really want a photo to commemorate the occasion, right? This taxi driver certainly did. Except he handed Lionel Messi his phone to take a pic of himself and Mascherano.
SNUB: IT was last August, during the London riots, that 89-year-old barber Aaron Biber had his premises in Tottenham looted, the visitors smashing up the place and stealing just about anything they could get their hands on – including cotton wool, a kettle and a 20-year-old hairdryer. They did leave one item: an autographed photo of Peter Crouch. Poor lad. He was, eh, big enough to pay a visit to Biber, though.
Runner-up:The airport greeting Cristiano Ronaldo received from locals when he arrived in Bosnia for Portugal's Euro 2012 play-off: "Messi! Messi! Messi!"
CLOUD FORMATION:"I was amazed when I saw it," said Wolves fan Luke Fellows. "The wind was howling and I saw a bag blow over my garden fence and as I looked up, I saw the wolf's head."
It did look like the Wolves crest too, you have to admit, but in light of how the club’s season turned out Luke’s claim that “it proves beyond doubt that God is a Wolves fan” seems, in retrospect, a touch suspect.
Who’s afraid? They all are
WOLVES’ Sebastien Bassong after that five-goal haul against Bayer Leverkusen: “Messi has scored more goals in one game than me in my whole professional life.”
Greek paper’s response to the same feat: “Arrest him! As long as Lionel Messi is allowed to walk around free, things like this will happen!”
AC Milan defender Thiago Silva ahead of meeting with Barcelona: “When Leo Messi approaches you, you have to make the sign of the cross and pray that everything will be alright.” (Unanswered: Messi scored one and created winner).
Vaclav Pilar, of Czech side Viktoria Plzen: “To be this close to him, playing against him, we felt like we were in a movie.”
CHILD PRODIGY:IF you'd a euro for every time you read about a kid touted as the "next Messi" you'd probably be able to buy Lionel Messi. The latest is a 10-year-old in Romania who, apparently, is hugely gifted and has actually vowed himself that he will be "the new Messi". Remember his name – and honest, that won't be hard: Bin Laden Virtosu, born two weeks after the September 2001 attacks on the United States.
PHOTO-FIT:POLICE in Anderson County, South Carolina released this photo-fit of a fella wanted in connection with a "home invasion". Luckily, Ronaldinho was playing football in Brazil at the time, so had a rock solid alibi.
TRAPISMS: ON his trans-Atlantic chat with Robbie Keane: "I was in touch with him and he say to me: 'Mister, I wish to play my country'."
Runner-up: On the reception Lionel McClean received when he came on for his debut: “When I heard the crowd I thought Messi or Pele or Maradona was coming on.”
Bronze: “The cat is in the sack, but the sack is not closed. The cat is in it, but it’s open – and it’s a wild cat.”
To this day, we still don’t know what the cat was doing in the sack in the first place.
Gazza: And the Gaddafis
PAUL GASCOIGNE telling an open-mouthed Piers Morgan that on a trip to Libya he “took Gaddafi’s two sons out and got them lamped. I also signed this thing in his compound. I think it was a bomb.”
Runner-up: Andrey Arshavin: “When I was a kid we had two kittens. I cannot now remember their gender. And we also had a hamster. However they all disappeared under unclear circumstances.”
Internationalist: Harry Redknapp on Tony Adams. “He’s disappeared out to Azerbaijan, or somewhere ridiculous in the world.”
Runner-up: Steve Bruce on Asamoah Gyan’s move to the United Arab Emirates: “No disrespect to the country. It’s a wonderful place, the … where’s he gone again?”
Blame game: Top three of the worst
CRAWLEY manager Steve Evans on youngster Charlie Wassmer: “If you’ve got a young centre-back who can’t defend, you’re going to leak goals. But it’s not about naming individuals.”
Runner- up: TalkSports's Alan Brazil: "I'm not going to single individuals out, but Yakubu has missed loads of great chances."
Bronze: Gary Neville: "When I look at it coldly, a team that has John Terry, Gary Cahill, Scott Parker, Gareth Barry and Darren Bent in its central positions is nowhere near good enough to take on the major nations such as Spain. I'm not having a go at individuals."
Runniest-egg-on-face
MANCHESTER United chief executive David Gill looking forward to finding out who the club would get in the knockout stage of the Champions League: “Yes, we can get a Barcelona or a Real Madrid, but I’m sure they don’t want to play us in the last 16 either. At the end of the day, you never know what the draw is going to be.”
You know what happened next. Two words: Europa League.
Rich remarks: Neville never does criticism but . . .
THERE were many highlights, but none quite matched that “OooooOOooooOOooooOOooooOOh” response to Fernando Torres’ goal against Barcelona. Not that he was always kind to Chelsea: “I’ve seen milk turn quicker,” he said of their defence and suggested David Luiz looked like “he is being controlled by a 10-year-old playing on his Playstation.” His assessment of Andrei Arshavin’s contribution to footballing life in England? “You never criticise other players . . . but: he looks the most disinterested player in the league to me . . . he doesn’t want to be here . . . he don’t like London, he don’t like England, he thinks our women are ugly . . . I think he wants to go back to Russia. Well, go back!”
Bonus quote: “The trouble with the transfer window is it creates a window where transfers have to be done.”
Runner-up:Ray Wilkins. For example: "That's exactly how you head a ball – you use your head."
Blatter: Own worst enemy
“Sepp Blatter With Black People.” After the Fifa president got in to a spot of bother for insisting that racism was not a big issue in football, and any incidents of it on the pitch should be resolved with a handshake, a photo of him hugging former anti-apartheid activist Tokyo Sexwale was posted on the Fifa website, just to prove some of his best friends are black. “I need the hand covering eyes symbol,” Rio Ferdinand responded on Twitter.
And with that the “Sepp Blatter With Black People” blog was born. Readers were invited to send in any photos they spotted of him with, well, black people. One showed him shaking hands with Robert Mugabe, the caption reading: “Nice to meet your Mr Obama.”
LUCKY ESCAPE:GIOVANNI Trapattoni revealing that he and Marco Tardelli had another job offer last year, possibly from . . . Libya.
“We receive phone calls, even from places which are at war at the moment. It was important to wait because a week later, it goes ‘boom, boom, boom’. We were very lucky.”
