Crikey, what a week for two of our footballing legends, Katie McCabe and Tony Cascarino. Regarding the former luminary of Irish sport, those of us who are expert in these matters forecast that she would be left in floods by a humiliating Barcelona triumph by at least four goals in the Champions League final. And not through any fault of her own – Barcelona are, after all, unbeatable.
Apart from on Saturday in Lisbon when, well, Arsenal beat them. And Katie was close enough to being in floods, a winner’s medal and a tricolour draped around her neck when she joined the TNT Sports people for a chat in the immediate aftermath of the game.
Incidentally, if any of you are asked “who was the last Irish player to win the Champions League?” and you answer Caoimhín Kelleher, you should be tarred, feathered and made to wear a skort.
“I’m just in disbelief, to be honest,” she said to our TNT presenter Becky Ives after hugging the bejaysus out of former Gooner Fara Williams. “Well, no, actually I can believe it ... Barcelona threw absolutely everything at us and we f***ing ... sorry! We kept together, we rode out the storm.”
Becky, of course, had to apologise to the viewers for the industrial language, otherwise her gaffers would have been given a hefty fine by the regulatory folk, but you sensed from her chuckle that she was thinking, “F***ing go for it, Katie!”
It wasn’t the most thrilling of games, as Champions League finals tend not to be, but those of us who might have fretted about our Katie’s ability to contain the footballing royalty that is Caroline Graham Hansen ended up asking, “Is Caroline Graham Hansen on the pitch?” If Caroline never meets Katie again, it’ll still be too soon.
Put it this way. Barcelona beat Chelsea, England’s domestic treble winners, 8-2 on aggregate in the Champions League semi-finals. Chelsea finished 12 points clear of Arsenal in the league. So Arsenal should have been pulverised by half-time. But football, as we know, is a gas old game.
“Where’s the party?” asked Becky. “In an undisclosed location,” said Katie. “I’ll probably fly out to Ibiza in the morning.” As if the FAI hasn’t had enough emergency meetings of late. “Lads, top of today’s agenda is the Irish women’s captain having a shindig on a Spanish island when we’re playing Turkey in the Nations League this feckin’ Friday.”
You suspect she’ll be there.
If Katie McCabe was a dog, she’d probably be an XL Bully, although, in fairness, XL Bullies pick up fewer yellow cards. She certainly wouldn’t be a small, white, exceedingly fluffy and groomed-to-within-an-inch-of-its-life pooch called Pixie.
The couple who arrived at Channel 4’s Bad Dog Academy were stressed out. Pixie was off her food, barking constantly at her bowl.
“I’m sure you’ve dealt with worse problems,” said the husband, a touch embarrassed by the situation, but the trainer reassured him that they were experiencing bigger issues. Next door, for example, was Ronny the bulldog who humps everything and everyone, and has eaten “solid concrete, garden statues, gym equipment, a treadmill and a trampoline”. That seemed to bring some relief to Pixie’s human Dad.
But. “I imagine there aren’t that many ex-Millwall players walking Pomeranians,” said presenter Nick Grimshaw. “Nah,” said Tony Cascarino, for it is he who is Pixie’s Da. “I avoid walking her around on my own, I get some stick. I was a no-nonsense centre forward, I am not walking that ball of fluff.”
Anyway, the trainer got to work on Pixie, and in no time at all she was a new dog. Not an XL Bully as Tony might have hoped, just to ward off the Millwall fans, but a non-barking, all-eating Pomeranian ball of fluff.
“I am thinking about getting another dog,” beamed Tony’s wife, Jo, when the programme caught up with them for a progress report. Not since he discovered he was never actually eligible to play for Ireland has Tony’s face fallen so far.
Still, Pixie’s stopped barking, Katie has a Champions League medal and, as weeks go for our footballing icons, we’ll take it.
