LOCKERROOM: Obviously, quite obviously, there was no political pressure. None whatsoever. But, on Friday, between the publication of two major polls which showed Bertie Ahern on course perhaps for an overall majority, the IRFU and the FAI felt the joyful urge to come together and issue a joint hurrah for the concept of the BertieBowl. Viva Bertie! Viva El Bowl! Son Casa es Nuestra Casa!

It was a moment of beautiful dignity amidst the shambolic racketing of the hustings. The FAI may be homeless, the IRFU living in a dilapidated old pile, but when it comes to bread they know upon which side theirs is buttered.

Suddenly there is a beautiful clarity to their joint thoughts. Croke Park's size "would not be conducive to good viewing or atmosphere" they say. That's right, complaining about a house into which they have yet to be invited.

Croke Park's dimensions are inadequate for the refined gentlemen of the FAI and the IRFU. Those dimensions were fine, remember, for the Pittsburgh Steelers and their friends and for Notre Dame and Navy when they played gridiron there on the tiny napkin of a field they use, and fine for boxing when Ali fought there. But soccer and rugby? T'would be a disaster apparently.

So. Shame on the GAA. Shame on them, an amateur sporting organisation building a massive stadium which doesn't precisely suit the requirements of two of the biggest professional sports in the world. Shame on them for building clubhouses and pitches all over the country which are too big for soccer and rugby to use.

Any wonder that the two great professional sports must ask the taxpayer to build them a lovely new house which they say will be great for business. Here's the deal on offer: they'll sell lots of replica shirts and make out like bandits. Your kids and mine will be denied the local facilities in which to break a sweat in their replica shirts. Economics 101: Allocating Scarce Resources.

That's not to say that Croke Park shall be a complete write-off. Apart from their expertise in the bread and butter matter, the FAI and the IRFU have a well-defined philosophy on the related business of cake. When it comes to cake their feeling is that they should both have their cake and eat it. Croke Park will do fine for things like European Championships and Rugby World Cup finals, we are told. Phew!

The richness is in the detail, of course. The joint statement points out that "GAA pitch dimensions are approximately 150m by 90m: those of soccer and rugby are 100m by 70m. This would leave spectators at rugby and soccer matches a minimum of 15 metres from the pitch side and 25 metres from the goal line. This would not be conducive to good viewing or atmosphere, something that is vital for the success of international events."

Well, this is a slap in the face with an old kipper for the GAA. The GAA, remember, has been bribed/cajoled/persuaded/forced/prompted to throw its weight behind the BertieBowl. The association has solemnly promised to play half-a- dozen matches or so there every year. That's as many games as either soccer or rugby. Obligingly, the GAA has kept the BertieBowl idea alive by killing off two attempts to get rid of Rule 42, assuming all the while that a) there would be more reward for so doing and b) there would be a mini BertieBowl which would handily take some of it's summer fixtures.

NOW we are told that if the pitch in the BertieBowl is of the dimensions to accommodate a GAA game, well, then the soccer and rugby people will be getting a raw deal. In other words, the IRFU and the FAI, the paupers of the piece, want to dictate not just how much they milk the taxpayer for but what sort of taxpayer gets into the building.

Hmm. On the radio the other day they were kicking Michael McDowell for comparing the BertieBowl to something from the Ceaucescu era. I have nothing against Michael McDowell being kicked - indeed the current election cries out for more good kickings - but the comparisons with the famous Casa Poporului in Bucharest aren't as fatuous as they first appear. It was said on radio that nobody could get into the Casa except Ceaucescu, while the Bowl would be for everyone.

Puh-lease. So unfair. The Casa contained the biggest room in the world and people came in and out for free. When the Bertie Bowl goes up the people coming in and out will be paying through the nose to come in.

(Obviously all other comparisons with Ceaucescu are unfair. The grandiose schemes egged on by an inner circle of sycophants would never get off the ground here. Besides, the Casa Poporului ended up being known as the Casa Nebunulai, or Madman's House. Imagine.)

These have been a bad few weeks for nitwits like myself who thought that, after decades of soccer being played on Lansdowne Road, moving a few big games from our modest programme of rugby and soccer internationals to Croke Park would alleviate the difficulties which soccer and rugby have lived with since February 1977 when Ireland played Spain in Lansdowne Road.

(Since then we have qualified for three soccer World Cups and a European Championship, narrowly missing two further World Cups, once on goal difference, once in a play-off. Shocking testimony to conditions at the Lansdowne Gulag.)

Yes. Hard times for nitwits. Chastened are the Welsh nitwits who run the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, promiscuously allowing every sport to be played there. As for les nitwits at the Stade de France - what fools! And the antipodean nitwit? Paddy Teahon himself told me that the BertieBowl campus is modelled on the great white elephant from Down Under, Homebush Bay, where they play all sports, all the time, to the general indifference of the population.

Listen. Soccer, rugby and the GAA can co-exist quite happily in Croke Park and Lansdowne. Summer is the GAA's. How many big games do soccer and rugby play at home between mid June and early September anyway?

The IRFU says it has investigated redeveloping Lansdowne as a 60,000-seater "and the advice suggests that a greenfield situation is a more practical option". Fine. Redevelop it as a 48,000 seater. Keep the atmosphere and the location.

Boys, you can't always get what you want; but spend less on infrastructure this town can't use and we'll all get a little more of what we need.