TV VIEW:IT WAS, literally, a whole new ball game for Ray Stubbsie Stubbs on Saturday when, during ESPN's coverage of their first live Premier League game, Everton v Arsenal, he was obliged to plug the channel's menu for the evening. "Coming up: Port Adelaide v Carlton," he said, feigning feverish anticipation.
Sitting behind him were Ian Wrightie Wright and Peter Reidy Reid, both of whom heroically stifled their giggles when Stubbsie informed us, with a straight face and like he knew something about these things, that although Carlton were the favourites in this Aussie Rules contest, “Port Adelaide are no pushovers at home”.
When we checked the result later that night we saw Carlton won by just 54 points, scoring nine goals in the last quarter.
And as Cyril Farrell put it at half-time in Croke Park yesterday, when analysing Limerick’s attempts to stifle Tipperary’s marauding forwards, “Lord God Almighty Michael, you just can’t defend like that”.
Stubbsie then, you have to reckon, is as familiar with Aussie Rules as the Tipp attack was with tight marking. Stubbsie’s discomfort increased when he had to tell us about the coming encounter between the Boston Red Sox and Texas Rangers. Welcome to ESPN.
Luckily, he didn’t hype the Red Sox’s prospects because the Rangers won 7-2, a margin of victory, incidentally, that mirrored the outcome at Goodison Park. Imagine if you had Everton’s Tim Howard as your Fantasy League goalkeeper? Mortified, we were.
“Come on, let’s face it, we’re not going to win 6-1 every day,” Cesc Fabregas told Rebecca Lowe after the game. True enough, when Arsenal finally take their chances it’ll be eight or nine.
“Lord God Almighty Stubbsie, you just can’t defend like that,” Reidy didn’t quite say when analysing Everton’s attempts to stifle Arsenal’s marauding forwards, but he must have been tempted.
Their efforts looked no less cataclysmic on “a machine called ESPN Axis”, as Stubbsie introduced it, a gadget which allowed Wrightie and Reidy to “analyse the action from another angle”. In truth, it was just a camera positioned on the side of the pitch, as opposed to, say, behind the goal, but “ESPN Camera Positioned On The Side Of The Pitch” doesn’t really have the same ring about it.
But it has to be said that perhaps the single best thing about signing up for ESPN is that you also get ESPN Classic, on which you can see Bellies and Bullseyes: The Outrageous True Story of Darts, presented by the very, very great Sid Waddell.
“Trying to stop Phil Taylor in this mood is like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea shooter,” he told us – and he sounded like a man who had once tried. We’re assuming, though, that the incident didn’t happen in his native Northumberland, an area not widely known to be the natural habitat of water buffalo.
So, Sid dipped into the darts archives and plundered some gems, including a clash between Leighton Marathon Man Rees and John Old Stoneface Lowe (“swooping like Alexander the Great on the Persians”), before having a chat with the legend that is Eric Bristow.
One thing that has always had us in awe of darts players is their apparent mathematical genius, leaving us regarding them as the Stephen Hawkings of the sports world. But wait.
“A lot of players can’t count, so they go for the wrong double,” Eric revealed, leaving us with an image of Jocky Wilson doing a lap of honour around Frimley Green after hitting double 19 when he needed 40.
That was insightful, as was ESPN’s coverage of the game between Seattle Sounders and LA Galaxy. “Brought to you by Taco Bell – the only place to get the melty, crunchy, spicy and grilled tastes of fourthmeal. Think outside the bun,” read the ad on the screen during the game. Did you know the “fourthmeal” was the snack you had between dinner and breakfast? Us neither. We thought that was when you slept.
Crunchy and spicy is what life at Manchester City is like these days, their seasonal debut brought to us by Setanta on Saturday. Mark “under pressure” Hughes looked to be heading for the dole queue, until Emmanuel Adebayor finally broke the deadlock on three minutes against Blackburn. Stephen Formerly Of Ireland made it 2-0 at the death.
“Another super show by Shay, but that’s a given isn’t it,” said Pat Dolan, who was in puntastic form.
Meanwhile, after showing us Manchester United’s 1-0 mauling of Birmingham, Sky Sports brought us Spurs v Liverpool. Impressive Spurs were, too.
“They have so much potential,” said Jamie Redknapp, “but what they need to do is give the manager time and give him the funds.”
The manager? His Da, ’Arry. Lord God Almighty Jamie, you just can’t pundit like that.
Although, granted, “What they need to do is sack the manager” could lead to ’Arry making Jamie his melty, crunchy, spicy fourthmeal next time he visits home.
