And you thought nobody had a worse Golf Masters' week three than you? Well, just listen to these tales of woe from the Bay Hill Invitational.
Gabriel Hjertstedt: The Swede failed to retain his Golf Masters' tour card this year after finishing 198th, out of 240, in last year's competition. As if that wasn't bad enough he followed his first round of 71 with a 78 at Orlando and missed the cut.
What happened? "I had some sushi last night and I felt crappy afterwards," he revealed. "I didn't sleep more than four hours. My game's there, but I just didn't feel good." This revelation was soon followed by the news that reigning US Masters champion Mark O'Meara has chosen his menu for the annual dinner at Augusta, where Hjertstedt will be one of the contenders. Guess what's the starter? Yep, sushi.
Tiger Woods, Lee Westwood, Colin Montgomerie, Bernhard Langer and Ian Woosnam: all finished outside the top 50, winning just £7,500 between them, while several of our `most hired' players - including O'Meara, Darren Clarke, Mark Calcavecchia, Thomas Bjorn and Seve Ballesteros - missed the cut.
For the first time in 14 PGA Tour events, dating back to The Players Championship last year, Woods failed to break par in any of his four rounds. Those who spent £5.3 on him weren't impressed. Asked on Sunday how long it had been since he played consistently well, Woosnam, who tied for 72nd, replied: "My memory doesn't go back that far." Oh dear.
Davis Love: Yes he finished third but he missed four-foot birdie putts on three of the first four holes, an eight-footer at the 16th and a 10-foot par putt at the 17th in the final round. And just for good measure he broke a sprinkler head when he slammed it with his sand wedge after a poor bunker shot in the second round.
Steve Lowery: On the four occasions that Lowery played the number four hole at Bay Hill he had the less than pleasant view of his burnt-out home to contend with - three weeks ago the house, in the Bay Hill area of Orlando, was destroyed in a fire. All things considered his share of 37th in the tournament was good going.
John O'Donnell (manager): "If you look at the weekly leader-board you'll see that I'm in fourth place. I named the team in anticipation of Manchester United's elimination from the Champions' League by Inter Milan.
"Everyone knows Inter were robbed by an awful penalty decision and now, to make matters worse, I'm left with six American hackers (picked for this `US tournament only' week) who probably won't win another dollar before Man U win the European Cup. A polo shirt would be some consolation."
