IT'S become a bit of a post-fight tradition with Evander Holyfield - after clobbering the living daylights out of an opponent, he doesn't want to talk about jabs, hooks and upper cuts, he just wants to praise the Lord.
On Tuesday night, however, those of us who were too stingy to pay Sky Sports twice to see the fight live on Saturday were treated to a two-hour post-mortem by the channel of the events in Las Vegas. Surely, having had a chunk of his right ear removed by his opponent's teeth, we were going to witness the Champ losing his religion before our very eyes.
"Evander, you have two bites on each side, your plastic surgeon says one piece is missing out of your right ear what's your reaction?" asked the American reporter. XXXXX% perhaps, or XXXXXX? No, an unshakeable faith has Evander, ear or no ear.
"Well, first I have to give praise to the Lord, Jesus is the way, I'm still the champion, I still have the glory
I just give praise to the Lord that it is not worse than it is, I thought my ear had fell off." So Evander turned the other cheek, got his ear bitten off, but he "still had the glory" ... even if he only had half a right ear. Janie, we could all do with a bit of that faith.
And what about our Mike? "The most marketable psychotic in the world," is how the Sunday Times' Hugh McIlvanney describes him and McIlvanney's seen them all.
"I think at that moment he lost everything and he was back down in the gutters where, unfortunately, he was brought up no rules, no regulations, no referee, just inflict some pain at gutter level, he's a vile thug," said Sky Sports' boxing expert Jim Watt on Tuesday.
"He certainly lost my respect," declared another of the Sky team, Glenn McCrory. This is where it got interesting. Tyson lost his 'respect'? As a human being or a boxer? Had our Mike an impeccable record as a responsible, law-abiding citizen before he stepped in to the ring on Saturday night? (Have a chat with Desiree Washington, Glenn - ask her for her views on our Mike).
"He shouldn't be banned for life - hit him where it hurts, take the money off him - he's been a good servant to boxing," added another ex-boxer Gary Mason. We waited for Gary to give us a few reasons why Tyson should share the tag of 'a good servant to boxing' with Muhammed Ali, but they weren't forthcoming.
One hour, seven minutes after Tuesday's programme started, Sky finally got round to showing us the fight. First they showed us Evander warming up in his dressing room, waving his arms in the air, head back, eyes closed as he listened to gospel music. Through the wall came the sound of rap music from Tyson's dressing room.
Then we were told Michael Jackson was ringside, a fortunate slice of luck for Holyfield, who, presumably, got some plastic surgery advice from the once black legend of pop later in the evening.
It doesn't matter how many times you look at those biting incidents they're still too nauseating to comprehend. "He's really going a long, long way beyond the Queensbury Rules," said Sky commentator Ian Darke after the first bite. Mmm, just a tad Ian.
"After the first bite, my corner just told me to keep cool, breathe deep and concentrate on Jesus," Evander (who else?) told us later. Gosh, surely even Jesus would have found it difficult to keep cool in those circumstances.
Who are the only men to have beaten Tyson? Evander Holyfield and Buster Lugless. Sometimes a sick sense of humour is the only way you can handle scenes like one man biting a chunk out of another. And you need a sick sense of humour to cope with the utterings of our Mike's entourage.
When referee Mills Lane disqualified Tyson at the end of the third round (having, incredibly, only deducted a point from him after the first and most vicious bite), Mike's pals got angry and convinced their boss that he had been wronged ... yet again.
Then two of the men who have made a comfortable living out of being Mike's professional friends defended their paymaster's reputation.
"The ear ain't got nothing to do with this fight, it ain't got nothing to do with his arms, his legs, his hands, his body, nothing - Mike got a three-inch cut over his eye," explained John Horne, who calls himself Mike's co-manager, to reporter Jim Gray. "It's just a little cut on the ear man," spat another unnamed pal of Tyson.
"The fight was just beginning, I don't know why it was stopped," wondered that most charming of chappies Don King. Gray tried to explain to Don that Holyfield was missing part of his ear. "Well I haven't seen the pictures, I'll have to look at them," added King, already thinking up snappy names for the rematch.
Then the man himself emerged from the dressing room to defend his reputation. "Listen, Holyfield's not the tough warrior everyone says he is, he's got little nicks in his ears and he quit. I got one eye, he's not impaired, he got ears, I got one eye," said our Mike.
By Tuesday, Mike had decided to apologise to Evander, the world and his probation officer. Those amongst you who figure he was just paving the way for the rematch of all rematches should be ashamed of your cynicism. But you're probably right.
Enough of boxing and Tyson - the start of the football league season is only 34 days, four hours, 17 minutes and 38, 37, 36, 35 ... seconds away. If you didn't know already that Sky has exclusive rights to live coverage of English Premier League matches, you might have guessed it after the Sky Sports Centre news last Wednesday - the news of the appointment of Gary Megson as Stockport County Manager came AHEAD of word that Tim Henman and Greg Rusedski had reached the last eight in Wimbledon (guess who doesn't have exclusive rights to Wimbledon?).
So it's almost time for English footie fans to leave their darkened rooms - Saturday, August 9th is the magic date. That's when Southampton, Coventry, Barnsley and Crystal Palace will hope to get their relegation battles off to a good start and Liverpool, Newcastle and Arsenal commence their battle for the runners-up spot.
There's less to look forward to for Nottingham Forest fans who, having been relegated last season, face the prospect of trips to Huddersfield, keading and Stockport. And, to add (to their woes, they will start the season without the services of ace Dutch forward Bryan Roy who moved to Hertha Berlin last week. However, Sky Sports Centre informed Forest fans of Bryan's glowing tribute to the city of Nottingham last week before he packed his bags.
"The only thing Nottingham is famous for is Robin Hood ... and he's dead," said Bryan. "Huh - the only thing Berlin's famous for is a wall ... and that was knocked down years ago," replied indignant Forest fans. The world of football - don't you love it? Thirty four days, four hours, 16 minutes and 17 seconds to go... 16, 15, 14, 13...
