SPORT ON TELEVISION: Madness comes in many forms, but, for the armchair viewer who is having to learn new jargon to comprehend what is going on in and around Salt Lake City, those crazy dudes who are actually doing "heli-backscratchers", "iron cross spreadeagles" and "7-20s" must take the biscuit.
Okay, so the Winter Olympics are just a couple of days old, but - already - we've been sucked into it. Those in ntl-land might not know it (although anyone in Chorus-land and/or with digital dishes can tell them all about it), but Eurosport, bless them, are giving virtual wall-to-wall coverage of the games on their 24-hour schedule.
Still, for most couch potatoes it is the consummate professionalism that the BBC brings to these big occasions that has impressed.
It all started just before midnight on Friday in an appetiser that had Steve Rider, Sue Barker and Hazel Irvine - unmistakeable in a bright-red, weather-proof jacket that resembled a large duvet cover and was quite appropriate for the minus-10 degree temperature - taking us on a ride around Salt Lake City in a stretch limo with old crooner Donny Osmond as guide.
Irvine is one of those solid professionals who can turn her hand to golf one week, snooker the next, indoor bowls another fortnight and, well, the Winter Olympics every four years.
Quite apart from the fact that pioneers to the Wild West once thought they had reached the Pacific Ocean when they stumbled upon the Salt Lake, Irvine informed us that it was only 13 feet deep. And that it was quite "smelly" - which probably explained why she was moving briskly away from the shoreline while relating this particular news.
Anyway, a couple of hours later, Hazel was still in that not-to-be-missed red jacket as she introduced us to the opening ceremony in the wee hours of Saturday morning.
Now, opening ceremonies don't make for the most compulsive of viewing at the best of times, but, at something like two o'clock and any self-respecting adult only being ejected from a late-night bar at that hour, it can be a gruesome experience.
Still, in fairness, Barry Davis - who for some peculiar reason sounded as if he was on the verge of breaking into tears (he didn't, thankfully) - had enough stats and figures to keep the interest alive as the "Child of Light" wandered his way through a myriad of dancing figures on the ice, and we got a taste of the icy treats in store for us for the next two weeks.
All of this came after George W - without a pretzel in sight - had manoeuvred his way around the ice in the University of Utah stadium which, for the night, was a no-fly zone with the airport closed.
And, then, there was the fashion parade, with representatives from 77 countries taking part. The Russians were unquestionably the winners of the fashion stakes with outfits straight out of Doctor Zhivago and coats with enough fur to send the animal rights people into frenzy - there can't be a mink left alive in the old Siberian plains. Their closest challengers in this particular fashion competition were the team from Tajikistan.
And so it was that we were whisked into the luxury resort of Deer Valley on Saturday as the games got under way in earnest and the quest for gold began.
Eurosport's coverage of the Winter Olympics is unparalleled and their coverage of the women's moguls freestyle skiing event gave the commentator plenty of scope to cut loose and raise the blood pressure on a day, we were told, that was minus eight.
He talked of "daffy twister spreads" and "helicopter with an iron cross" and "triple twisters" and "backscratchers".
The sell-out crowd rang cow-bells and blasted rock music from portable hi-fi systems in an atmosphere that was far removed from the first days of the Winter Olympics.
In the BBC studio, Steve Cram - who has made the transition from athletics track to broadcast booth with considerable ease - told us that he had himself recently taken up skiing. But even he seemed unprepared for the assault on the body that this particular discipline, called moguls, perpetrated.
A guy called Hugh Hutchison had been dragged into the studio for his 15 minutes of fame. Hugh is a former Olympian who had represented Britain in two Olympic Games and was a four-time British champion. Moguls, we were told, were like lumps of snow.
"Four feet big," the man on Eurosport had also informed us, and Hutchison - who had started out as a slalom racer before converting to the weird and wacky world of moguls - told us that moguls developed "if pistes aren't groomed".
"A lot of people suffer from knee and lower back injuries," explained Hutchison. "It doesn't matter how much you train or build up the muscles around them, you need good knee joints and you need to be light."
Even so, there is hardly likely to be a rush to Weightwatchers for armchair viewers - moguls skiing is definitely better to watch than to practice, what with all the "helicopters" and "twisters".
And, more frightening still, the abuse that the severe slopes and bumps put on the skier's legs - "legs working like shock absorbers", Mr Eurosport said of the technique.
The mad-cap run takes less than 40 seconds to complete and involves judges awarding marks for turns, spreads and jumps as well as the actual time taken to complete the descent to safety.
To be honest, though, moguls was the perfect way to entice us into the Winter Olympics . . . and the perfect appetiser for the even madder folk who do something called bob skeleton and those who hurl themselves off ski slopes into thin air.
'Tis a crazy couple of weeks to be sure, and one that will ensure regular use of the zapper to call up the BBC and Eurosport (for those of us who have it).
PICK OF THE WEEK
MONDAY
BBC 2 (6.45pm) and Eurosport (daily from 6.0am) - Winter Olympics: More racing at break-neck speed and compulsive viewing from the games in Salt Lake City. Coverage right through the week.
WEDNESDAY
Network 2, Sky Sports 1 (7.0pm) - International Soccer: The road to Japan and South Korea starts with a friendly with Russia and a chance for Ireland manager Mick McCarthy to run the rule over some likely lads for the trip to the Far East.
THURSDAY
Sky Sports 2 (9.0pm) - US Tour Golf - Most of the world's top players have shaken off the winter cobwebs at this stage, and two of Ireland's top players - Darren Clarke and Paul McGinley - make their US seasonal debuts in the Los Angeles Open, live from the Riviera club.
SATURDAY
Sky Sports 2 (2.0) - International Rugby: While RTÉ must make do with bringing us action from the other two matches (Wales-France and Italy-Scotland), it is left to Sky to drool over their exclusive rights to the match that could decide the championship. After the mauling dished out to poor old Wales, Ireland must make the trip to Twickenham to meet defending champions England - and any element of surprise is gone on the double: firstly, Ireland ended England's Grand Slam hopes in the belated end to last year's Six Nations and, secondly, the win over the Welsh showed the depth this squad possesses.
