Monday
Everyone knows the bid to host the 2006 football World Cup will be won by South Africa, right? Foregone conclusion. Well, how silly was Marlon Aronstam, the bookmaker who gave South African cricket captain Hansie Cronje a few bob and a leather jacket for, um, "match information", when he tipped Germany today to win Thursday's vote to host the 2006 tournament? Very. "I can't tell you for sure who is going to get it," he said, "but my gut tells me it's going to be Germany." Ah Marlon, you're losing your prophetic touch.
Meanwhile AC Milan president Silvio Berlusconi, mindful of how gutted Italian coach Dino Zoff must have been feeling after losing the Euro 2000 final, paid him this gushing tribute: "Even a dilettante would have put a man on Zidane in the final. The problem is we need someone with some intelligence in his brain - Zoff has none." Lovely. Zoff promptly resigns, but not before pointing out to Silv that Zidane had as much impact on the final as Phil Neville, in so many words. Word has it Silv is thinking of starting a "Kev Keegan for Italy" campaign.
Tuesday
You and me are old enough to remember Aberdeen winning cups, both of the Scottish and European variety, under the stewardship of a chubby-cheeked, babyfaced Al Ferguson. These days? Well, it's all gone horribly wrong. Final straw? Tuesday: the club removed the players' toaster in a cost-cutting exercise and asked them to pay for their cups of tea after training. "Nonsense," said a club spokesman on reading the report. Phew. "It's a broken toaster that's not being replaced - that's all." Okay. If you have any left-over slices of toast after breakfast post them to Pittodrie, out of the goodness of your heart.
Wednesday
Did you ever see that film Marathon Man? Remember, Laurence Olivier using his dentist's drill as a weapon of torture on poor auld Dusty Hoffman's molars? Well, memories of that lovely scene came flooding back during the week on hearing of a Cork woman's visit to a drill-toting psychopathic fiend (aka a dentist) . . . just 72 hours after the Munster hurling final.
After explaining her toothy difficulties the dentist looked at her, a tad menacingly, and asked: "are you from . . . Cork?" (to which she was tempted to reply, "I am, aroo?"). She pleaded guilty, at which point the dentist revealed, somewhat defiantly, her (italics) county of origin: Tipperary.
The Cork woman swallowed nervously. To condense a long and excruciating story the Cork woman ended up with three fillings, administered with all the tenderness you associate with your average serial killer's dismembering of a corpse.
The Tipp dentist's parting words to her victim/patient were: "see you in the All-Ireland final, Mrs." "Mghqahs, azayro qiatyhetd," said the Cork woman through her frozen, numbed lips. Translation: "That's if ye can find the key to the back door, ye shower of good-for-nothing losers." They parted on good terms, then. As the old Chinese proverb goes: "If you absolutely have to visit the dentist make sure it's not in the immediate aftermath of your county beating that of the drill-toting psychopathic in a championship match."
Wednesday
The Williams sisters will play each other in tomorrow's semi-finals and in all of today's pre-match interviews the reporters asked them if they'd find it horrible playing each other on such a big occasion, so reluctant would they be (they assumed) to inflict pain on each other. Conclusion: all these reporters must have grown up in families like the Waltons. Are they mad? Any half normal sister would relish the opportunity to humiliate her little/big sister in front of a worldwide audience of 176 billion. Rasping volleys in to midriffs: "Steal my black linen pants again and you're dead."
Thursday
"You were saying," says Marlon Aronstam. Crikey, Germany won the contest to host the 2010 World Cup, by 12 votes to 11. Channel Four News reported little notes being shoved under the hotel bedroom doors of FIFA members the night before, allegedly by the head of the German bid, offering gifts in return for votes. Were these gifts leather jackets, by any chance? To all those of you who expressed the opinion that winning the right to host the tournament would be the only way Germany or England would get the chance to play in it, shame on ye for yer cynicism. But you're probably entirely right. So, Germany it is then. Captained, we assume, by an 84-year-old Lothar Matthaus.
Friday
Yet more frenzied speculation about Nick Barmby's future. Am I missing something? Or are Liverpool, Chelsea and Manchester United displaying a wicked sense of humour by declaring an interest in the man who wasn't even a first-team regular at Everton last season (and, thus, was selected by Kevin Keegan for Euro 2000). Next: Parma offer Fabio Cannavaro plus £10 million in exchange for Phil Neville?
