When Kevin Keegan hinted last week that he might return to football management in the near future they probably threw a party at Old Trafford. Kevin, you see, appears to be the only man on earth who thinks that Andy Cole has justified the u7 £7 million fee Manchester United paid for him two years ago. So, there's just a chance that he might buy him back for similar money if he gets himself a job soon.
And, if the latest rumours are to be believed, United are pretty desperate to find Anti Goal a new home. On Saturday's Match of the Day Aston Villa manager Brian Little denied one newspaper report that he had been offered u £5 million PLUS Andy by Alex Ferguson for the services of Dwight Yorke. Now, surely Dwight can't be worth much more than u £4 million, so that means United are prepared to pay Villa an extra million just to take Andy off their hands. In the business world they call that "negative equity".
Dwight was asked for his reaction to the story on Match of the Day. He was meant to say something like: "Obviously it's all rubbish and anyway I'm more than happy, obviously, to spend the rest of my career at Villa Park. Obviously."
But no, what he said was: "Obviously delighted, it was flattering really to see myself linked with such a big club, probably the BIGGEST club in the world really. But . . . I've still got two-and-a-half years yet on my contract . . . and obviously it would be very unprofessional of me to be thinking of Man United." Translated that means: "I won't stop thinking of United until I pull on that red shirt."
"He didn't seem too disturbed by the interest," said a chuckling Trevor Brooking back in the studio.
Keegan would probably have been a little puzzled by this, er, undervaluing of Andy's talents. After all he had put up an impassioned defence of the striker's qualities on Wednesday night after ITV showed the highlights of United's Champions League match against Kosice. Despite scoring his monthly goal late in the match the goalscorer supreme - BJU (Before Joining United) - had one of those nights, highlighted by the moment he got his feet in a knot just as an open goal had presented itself.
Ian St John gave him an awful time during his commentary, for that and other misses, which upset Kevin a little back in the studio. "I think he was unlucky to get criticised because he was there," he argued. Ah God Kev, sometimes just being there isn't enough.
It was a remark reminiscent of the one Phil Thompson made on Sky Sports last season when he defended Stan Collymore, who was going through a dodgy patch in front of goal for Liverpool: "The great thing about Collymore in the Arsenal game was that he was actually getting in the box to miss the chances," he said. If a manager spends £7 million-£8 million on a striker surely he's entitled to expect to see him show up "in the box" occasionally.
Maybe Kevin's conscience is troubling him after taking all that money off Alex for Andy. Maybe he feels like one of those used-car salesmen who tells you the vehicle you're about to purchase had only one lady owner, but neglects to mention its previous 23 male drivers who all thought they were Eddie Irvine.
He carried on trying to convince Ferguson that he'd got a bargain by talking us through a replay of United's first goal, which Cole set up for Denis Irwin. "This is something that Andy has added to his game. At Newcastle, of course, he probably finished a little bit better (go 'way) but look here - he normally would turn here and shoot but he looks up, says `here you are Denis, you're a fullback, you just might score'. Now that's something he's added at Man United." Something he's added at Man United? What? An awareness that the players around him (even fullbacks) are more likely to score than him.
For one brief moment it seemed Kevin had finally identified the weakness in Andy's game when he said: "He has that terrible habit that all great strikers have of hitting the side netting." But then he added: "Not the outside, the inside." Eh Kev, where have you been?
On Tuesday night Liverpool's 17year-old striker Michael Owen hit the inside of Celtic's side netting after only five minutes, in the UEFA Cup tie at Parkhead. It's not often Alan Hansen would cheer an Own goal by Liverpool but he was well chuffed with this one.
"The crowd demand that Celtic attack, attack, attack but they just get sucked in and the opposition hit them on the break - with the pace of Michael Owen Liverpool can just sit back, soak up it up and when the Celtic defence comes forward they can exploit that weakness and put Owen in," he said to Des Lynam before the match.
The match started, Celtic attacked, attacked, attacked, got sucked in, Liverpool soaked it up and when the Celtic defence came forward they exploited the weakness by putting Owen in. "I'm beginning to think you know a little about this," said Des to Alan at half-time. "Oh, I just got lucky," he grinned, a little coyly.
It was an extraordinary occasion at Parkhead, like a cross between Songs of Praise, a ceili and 90 minutes of football. A little burst of accordion over the PA and 50,000 voices sang Grand Old Team To Play For; the sound of Gerry (of Pacemakers fame) was the cue for You'll Never Walk Alone and the thrusting of 50,000 green and white scarves above 50,000 heads. (The man who rang Marian Finnucane's Liveline on Friday to complain that the new Bord Failte logo looked like a "slurried shamrock" would have been pleased by the sight of 50,000 more traditional shamrocks on those 50,000 scarves).
And when Celtic equalised? Cue the Fields of Athenry. They MUST be the only supporters in the world who start singing about a famine and a corn stealer named Michael when their team scores a goal.
The game was billed as the Battle of Britain and was meant to prove to us just what a sorry state Scottish football was in. Men against Bhoys. But, despite Celtic's fine performance, John McCririck, Channel Four's horse racing pundit and a guest on Under the Moon on Wednesday night, refused to change his views about the game in the newly devolved Scotland. "Scottish football is second rate football . . . It is C-R-A-P, everyone knows that. When they play at the top level they're done and Liverpool couldn't even beat the miserable Celtic who are second raters in Scotland. Until Scotland play in an all European League and play proper teams - not Dunfermline and Motherwell and ridiculous teams like that - they'll ALWAYS be second raters. So it wasn't a great performance by Liverpool only to draw," said the little charmer.
Andrew from Fort William in the Highlands decided to phone in to have a word with John. "I've got a comment for your English Nationalist there, John McCririck."
"You DISGRACED yourselves by voting yes," howled John before Andrew could make his comment. "SHUT UP, it's ME now. I DID vote yes yes and THAT'S BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU," he howled back. He should have quoted Ger Loughnane: "To hell with the begrudgers and up the Bhoys." Or was that "The Banner"?
