IF YOU ASK ME:At least now we can prepare for the Azzurri game at home without having had the you-know-what beaten out of us in Paris, writes RISTEARD COOPER
WELL TECHNICALLY speaking, last Saturday was the best result we’ve had in Paris in years. We might be broke in Ireland, but at least we have undersoil heating, eh? Stick
that in votre sophisticated, café-chatting, garlic-munching, wine-swilling bouche and eat it, or something like that.
Even Percy the Park Keeper, who hails from the same neck of the woods as referee Dave Pearson, could have told the FFR that if you keep a field covered and then expose it in arctic conditions, there’s only one result.
However, Smiley Pearson thought it best to wait until the ground got really freezing and the players reached boiling point to make up his mind. Admittedly he was in a tricky position, but it was another memorable decision from squirrel features. He must be wondering what he has to do to step out of the spotlight.
The previous week, from the touchline, he intervened to make arguably the worst decision in a decade, then a week later he makes a decision before a ball is even kicked and he still manages to make all the headlines.
Lord knows what the supporters must have gone through. Something akin to hours of courting after a row on Valentine’s Day?
You’ve put the effort in, and despite the icy atmosphere you’re still optimistic.
“It’s on, it’s on, oh no it’s not, oh, actually, it is, definitely, yes it is, yes, YES!! Actually no, it definitely is not.”
But how was the news broken to the Irish dressingroom? Word has it the players were all pumped to the gills, O’Connell had just completed his manic pre-match routine, scaring the bejaysus out of his own team-mates with his monster voice, deranged grimace, shaved head and bulging eyes,
“This is going to be the one they’ll be talking about for the next decade, this is the one, tonight!! TONIGHT!! I don’t want to hear another ****ing word about 2000. Forget 2000, forget Drico’s hat-trick, today is when we make history. I don’t know about you, but I’ll be ****ed if I go through my career without ever beating this shower of cocky French mother-f . . .”
Cue Pearson opening the dressingroom door – “Eh, sorry to interrupt there, Paul, but it’s off.”
The post-match dinner (without the match part) must’ve been great craic. I wonder who got to sit beside Father Deccie? One would have thought it’d be tricky enough to make idle banter with Deccie at the best of times, but when there’s actually nothing to discuss? You’d want to have a couple of long stories up your sleeve, that’s for sure.
Evidently the FFR stated that because Stade de France was built over a chain of gas pipes in 1998, the builders said it would be hazardous to install under-soil heating. I think I know those builders. Yez were robbed, Frenchies!
However, they still managed to get one over on the IRFU with the rescheduled date of Sunday, March 4th. That’s a bit like being six points up before we start! Apart from your man getting his hat-trick in 2000, this hasn’t been a particularly kind venue to Ireland and surely after the Henry (yak!) business, if the French didn’t have the foresight to build a stadium elsewhere, or do everything in their power to combat the freeze, they should forfeit the match or else play it in a proper stadium, preferably in Ireland. The Aviva Stadium, perhaps? In fact from now on this fixture should only be played on safe, heated Irish soil.
Why has Paris historically been such a difficult place for Ireland to prevail?
Is it because the French are naturally bigger, stronger and faster than the Irish?
Surely not, but if that is the case, clearly what we need for March 4th, is for Jerry Flannery to come back into the fold to kick every French man in the knee and give Pearson one in the arse as he’s being sent off. That’s what this tournament and indeed Dave Pearson needs. Mind you, he’d probably only issue a yellow for that.
His fellow countrymen won the snow fight in Rome despite 70,000 crazy Italians screaming their team on and now with two wins from two, there are calls from some quarters of the English media to drop the “interim” in Stuart Lancaster’s job-title and make him permanent. Yikes! We know they’ve only beaten Scotland and Italy, but sure there’s no talking to them. One person who doesn’t want Lancaster to stay on is Mark Cueto who, when asked on BBC 5 Live for his opinion on the coach, said “No I’m not a fan, cause he’s not picking me.” Well he certainly won’t be picking him now anyway.
Since the “surprise” departure of Fabio Capello, virtually every English pundit has been singing the same tune about how vital it is the England football manager is in fact English, ie Harry Redknapp. Paul Merson summed it up best by saying, “We need a good, strong English manager. All credit to Capello for doing what he done, but I’m sorry he don’t speak English.” Now you just couldn’t write that. Although I just did.
Positives from last weekend? Despite the surreal non-event in Paris, Ireland now have the chance to prepare for Italy without having had the you-know-what kicked out of them by France, so that can’t be bad.
If I may request one favour of the IRFU and the ground staff of our magnificent looking home stadium? Please make sure we have enough shillings in the undersoil heating meter. Please! Turn it on lads, turn it on!!
