And there was you thinking the merchandising deal between Manchester United and that well-to-do American rounders team had a stench of filthy lucre. World-weary, jaded auld cynics, the lot of ye. Bobby Charlton? Tell 'em.
"We are not going into this deal with the New York Yankees to make money."
See? Put that in your ABU pipes and smoke it. Then bow your heads in sceptical shame. As Oscar Wilde put it, "the cynic knows the transfer fee of Mikael Silvestre and the value of nothing".
The truth, of course, is that Manchester United, out of the goodness of their hearts and with monetary gain the farthest thing from their minds, got involved in this deal for purely altruistic, philanthropic reasons, because, frankly, that's the kind of club they are. Hearts of glow-in-the-dark gold.
The club's crusading zeal is, of course, what's behind this deal. "We have a moral obligation to bring the one true sporting faith, Footballism, to Amerikay - to rescue them from the heresy that is baseball, American football (sic), basketball and ice hockey, whatever the cost to the PLC," they probably declared, in an evangelical kind of way, at one of their hourly accountancy meetings.
And if they happen to make £147 billion in the next six weeks by selling Chuck, Buck and Hank a few replica jerseys and a duvet cover or two, and Priscilla a Jesper Blomqvist lamp-shade, then no one will be more knocked for six than them.
And if that £147 billion windfall funds David Beckham's new contract and the purchase of Zidane, Figo, Rivaldo, Ronaldo, Batistuta and Fabalis Fabien's friend Di Canio, then, well . . . "What an unexpected spot of good fortune", Fred the Red'll exclaim.
(Interesting fact-flash: did you know if you look up www.figo.com on the Internet you arrive at the website for the International Federation of Gynaecology and Obstetrics? I digress.)
Look, it's a long story, one I'd prefer not to go in to, but I was looking up the history of the Pilgrims the other day, the shower who left England on the Mayflower in 1620 and founded the first New England colony in America. Between ourselves, I was struck, nay, astounded, by the similarities between their story and that of Manchester United as they set sail towards New York Yankees' territory. Where do we start?
(1) The Pilgrims were English folk who sought to escape the religious controversies of their homeland (for Paganism read ABU-ism) and their trip to America was funded by "merchant adventurers" who reckoned they might make a few bob when they got there. Spooky, eh?
(2) Most of the Pilgrims were members of a Puritan sect know as Separatists who reckoned their English rivals were less than triffic, Brian, and we mean no offence to Arsenal.
(3) They believed that membership of the (footballing) Church of England violated the biblical precepts for true Christians (Real Madrid, Juventus, Bayern Munich, etc) and that they had to break away and form independent congregations (we're talking a European Superleague here) which were truer to divine requirements.
(4) At a time when Church and State were one, such an act was treasonous so the Separatists had to flee their mother country. Other Pilgrims (Arsenal, Liverpool, Leeds, etc) remained loyal to the national Church (the English Premiership). Spookier and spookier.
(5) As English people, the Pilgrims (United) also shared a vital secular culture, both learned and traditional (see Nicky Butt). They lived in a time which accepted fairies and witches (see Highbury and Ray Parlour), herbal remedies (see Anfield and Robbie Fowler), astrological virtues (see Davo "over the moon" Leary) and folklore (see Chelsea's title ambitions) as real parts of their lives. They looked at the world they lived in not as we do today, but through the eyes of Einstein and Freud (see Andy Cole's thoughts on the recent game against Bradford). Are you getting a supernatural feeling? Me too.
(6) They were not people just like ourselves dressed in funny clothes (that grey away strip), or a primitive folk (see Everton) deprived of our technology, but a vital and courageous people. They brought their own culture to the New World (the Bronx) and attempted to establish a citadel of English society on the edge of the alien continent (see Roy Keane explaining the offside rule to Buck).
(7) They were English men and women doing their best to continue the lives (15 points clear at the top of the Premiership) they knew back home in spite of the unfamiliar (baseball) surroundings.
(8) When the Puritans (United) rejected the medieval ecclesiastical calendar of Christmas, Easter and saint's days, they submitted three allowable holy days: The Sabbath (Sky Sports' Super Sunday), the Day of Humiliation (losing to Liverpool at Old Trafford) and the Day of Thanksgiving and Praise (beating City at Maine Road). Need I go on? By now, like me, you're thinking "uncanny", right? Thought so. We should add, though, that the Pilgrims ended up near-broke, failing to make a living through cod fishing as they had planned, but once they started flogging corn to the Indians they were sorted 'cos they gave them beaver skins in return. Admittedly if all United get out of their partnership with the Yankees is a few beaver skins they might be disappointed with that, Brian, but as we've made quite clear, they're not in it for what they can get out of it. As Alex Ferguson might have put it, "Ask not what America can do for you, ask what you can do for America".
