The latest European Club rankings, issued last week, made unpleasant reading for Aberdeen fans - their team is 473rd and last in the list, trailing those other European giants TPV Tampere (Finland), Beltinci (Slovenia), Alki Larnaca (Cyprus) and Szeged (Hungary).

On hearing the news the Daily Record decided the Aberdeen faithful needed cheering up so dedicated a list of "real answers given by contestants to questions on ITV's quiz show Family Fortunes" to them. "Name a bird with a long neck? Naomi Campbell; Name something red? My cardigan; Name something you do in the bathroom? Decorate; Name something you can open other than a door? Your bowels; Name something slippery? A conman." "Feeling better already," the very same Aberdeen fans probably didn't say.