Day 15. It was, one assumes, the highest yes vote since they asked "Would Planet Earth be a nicer place if Tory MP Alan Clark was exiled to Jupiter?" (or something to that effect). Ninety-eight per cent of the people who rang ITV's Teletext hotline said `YES', Michael Owen and David Beckham should start for England against Colombia tomorrow.
Fair play to Mrs Sheringham though, she gave 110 per cent herself to register that two per cent, but it was all for nothing in the end and she now faces a hellishly large phone-bill.
Not even Alex Ferguson has the heart to argue for Sheringham's inclusion any more, instead he'll settle for Beckham winning a place in the starting line-up. And if he doesn't, he thinks Glenn Hoddle should sit him up on his lap (David, not Alex), give him a lollipop and then tell him why he's been left out. Sensitivity, that's all Alex demands.
All Glenn demands is that Alex minds his own business. "It was unprofessional for him to talk to a newspaper like that, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it," he told the BBC's Ray Stubbs. "I don't think David's been focused coming into this tournament, perhaps his club should have looked at that a little bit earlier," he added. Oooooh, miaow.
ITV's World Cup Encore. "Well, Alex, what have you to say in response to Hoddle's comments?" asked Jim Rosenthal. That scary grin crept across Alex's lips. His nostrils flared. His eyes narrowed. His nose turned red. He aimed fire. I climbed into my nuclear bunker and waited for the explosion. "I don't think Glenn should be reading newspapers at this time anyway . . . he should be concentrating on his job," he miaowed back. What a pussycat. All the same, boys can be so bitchy sometimes.
There was a bit of tension in the RTE studios as well, not helped by the fact that the panel was sodden with red wine. "Don't take that tone there with me, ye young pup. If you ask me you're talking right through the bottom of your arse," Johnny Giles snapped at young Jim Beglin. "Relax the head, we'll have none of that language. Take it easy. Make up," said a nervous Frank Stapleton. Then Frank and Johnny began arguing about submarines. "Go and comb me flippers, you're talking through your hose-pipe," said Frank. "Hose-pipes are greeeat. There are so many things you can do with them," said Jim. "What am I doing here?" Johnny wondered aloud. Apres Match continues to excel and only Big Ron and Kev Keegan have given us better laughs the past fortnight. France v Denmark, Saudi Arabia v South Africa. Word has it that Sky Sports told their World Cup phone-in panellists to stop wearing shorts because it was upsetting for the viewers.
This, though, might have had something to do with the fact that the legs visible on our screens belonged to Alan Brazil, Rodney Marsh and Phil Thompson - all fine footballers in their time, but, even their mothers would agree, less than lovely creatures.
Now if, following the BBC's broadcast yesterday afternoon, the powers-that-be at Auntie decree that Daveed Ginola can no longer wear shorts, civic unrest of unseen proportions will break out in the living rooms of many, many homes in these islands. Few footballers can claim to have right and left pegs as impressive as the ones Daveed displayed yesterday. Not that we should even be commenting on this of course, we should respect Daveed as a footballer, just as the media respects Anna Kournikova's tennis and never mentions her bum.
The match? Eh, it was hard to concentrate after that, to be honest. Although I did spot France's Emmanuel Petit scoring past Denmark's Peter Schmeichel. Just as Gooners were beginning to wind down their celebrations.
Spain v Bulgaria, Nigeria v Paraguay. Before the games there was time for a quick tribute to Scotland on ITV from Tony Adams: "I fink if you make mistakes continually you go home". Very nice. And then Spain beat Bulgaria 6-1 but still failed to qualify for the second round. Gutted, they were, almost as gutted as the person who has the Bulgarian goalkeeper in their fantasy World Cup team. Sick as a parrot, I was.
