AGAINST THE ODDS:Getting the blues from another gruelling instalment of The X Factor,Vinny waited anxiously for a few minutes with the real blues
IT WAS gruelling enough waiting for Everton to appear on Match of the Day, especially when they won, but a far greater Saturday night punishment for Vinny Fitzpatrick was sitting through The X Factor.
“This is torture,” thought Vinny as he slipped deeper into the sofa, fat fingers stuffed forlornly into a large bag of cheese puffs.
Just as Manchester United had ruined the life of some equally wretched Manchester City fans, Vinny had come to lament the growing influence The X Factorexerted on his weekend routine.
How he bemoaned the passing of programmes like The Generation Game, Jim'll Fix Itand Morecambe and Wisefrom his childhood TV memories – "that was proper Saturday evening entertainment," he thought.
It was like this from mid-September until mid-December. Angie would return from a hard day’s graft at Boru Betting, plonk down in front of the telly and Vinny would pour her a glass of chilled wine.
With daughter Emma as sidekick, Angie would sit spellbound while Lily from Luton, Ricardo from Ramsgate or a group of spotty teenagers from Solihull made a dog’s dinner of a song and the smug judges got to gloat.
"Whoever writes the judges' scripts should be incarcerated," thought Vinny to himself as Louis Walsh, who seemed to be part of The X Factorfurniture, trotted out the same clichés.
“You made the song your own,” “you owned the stage”, or “you look like a pop star” were among lovable Louis’ favourite lines and the terrible thing was, thought Vinny, that the poor unfortunates actually believed the guff.
If Louis was Mr Nice Guy, at the other end of the scale was Judge Dredd-like Gary Barlow. “I think he used to be a footballer. He certainly knows how to put the boot in,” observed Vinny
On this Saturday, the final five contestants each got to perform twice, much to Vinny’s dismay as he felt one round of warbling was enough.
He didn’t have to be here, of course. He could have sneaked upstairs to his den and watched a re-run of the racing from Newbury on his laptop – he’d already seen the Hennessy Gold Cup three times and had been perplexed by the wayward show of Wayward Prince, which he’d backed each way but never landed a blow.
But with a long weekend in Vegas around the corner following their success in the quiz night at Big Fat Ron’s 50th birthday, Vinny felt a show of support for his wife’s choice of evening viewing would buy him some brownie points.
Anyway, Everton were coming up later and he was prepared to bide his time, feeding on puffs and easing himself through a six-pack of stout at a gentle pace – in all likelihood, another two or three cans would be required – until his beloved Blues came on.
As one of The X Factorcontestants, Marcus Collins from Liverpool, belted out an old Wham! favourite, Vinny wondered whether he was a Blue or a Red.
The chances were nowadays that Anfield rather than Goodison was his choice of calling. Liverpool had won the Champions League, Uefa Cup, FA Cup and League Cup in the past decade; Everton hadn’t won a bun-fight.
Still, they had managed a 2-0 success at Bolton that afternoon, upon which Vinny had planted €20 at 6 to 4.
He suspected the result wouldn't have registered on the antennae of the Match of the Dayschedulers, not with Manchester United, Chelsea and Spurs also playing the same day.
With Wigan shocking Sunderland and Blackburn getting another tanking, Vinny was certain that the low-profile north-west skirmish involving his heroes would be plum last on the highlights.
It wasn’t always like this. In the mid 1980s, Everton were part of English club football’s elite who regularly had top billing on the telly. Now they were scrambling to finish in the top eight which, in Vinny’s mind, would make them the best of the rest.
It hurt him to admit it but Everton were drowning, about to slip under the gurgling Mersey. Short of cash, they might enjoy a run here or there, like the march to the FA Cup final in 2009, or the odd success over the top teams – Man City were always easy pickings for some reason – but the summer of 1985 when Everton were the uncrowned kings of Europe would never be repeated. It was why he enjoyed the wins over Bolton, Wolves, Fulham and West Brom so much because that was the level Everton operated at now.
Things might have been different in the time of the boom but as debates raged about relocation, redevelopment or ground-sharing with Liverpool, nothing happened and Everton stayed put in their drab Victorian ground, known as the Grand Old Lady.
Wins were precious now, especially against teams below them in the Premier League and Vinny knew he'd enjoy the three minutes or so of low-lights. His mood improved as the final credits rolled for The X Factorand Louis and Co waved goodbye for another week.
“You’ve been quiet all night, love. Who is your money on to be first past the post?’ asked Angie. Vinny was jolted from his Reebok ruminations. “It’s all to play for but I think they’re all ready-made popstars. No one gets lost more in the songs than they do,” he said, plucking sugary sound-bytes from the judges handbook.
“I agree,” sighed Angie. “They are all in tune with what’s needed. It’ll take something extra special to pull it out of the bag.”
Vinny nodded sagely. "That's why they call it The X Factorlove. You either have it, or you don't."
As Angie headed to the kitchen to fix herself a night cap, Vinny de-ringed a can of stout and while his glass was settling, ripped open another bag of puffs, some of which flopped on to his capacious stomach.
Grazing contentedly, he flicked over to the Beeb just before the timeless title music for Match of the Day.
If he was honest, the opening tapestry of credits irked him as Liverpool appeared like a rash while the only Everton sighting was Phil Neville, who spent most of his career at Manchester United. “What about Southall and Sheedy, or Reid and Radcliffe?” he wondered.
At least there was Gary Lineker, an old boy, as presenter and, on this night, an Everton victory. "You can shove The X Factorwhere the sun doesn't shine. This is the life,' he sighed happily.
Vinny’s Bismarck
1pt:Lay Darren Clarke to win BBC Sports Personality of the Year (2/1, Ladbrokes, liability 2pts).
Bets of the Week
2pt win:Charl Schwartzel in Nedbank Challenge (7/1, Boylesports).
2pt win:Sizing Europe in Tingle Creek Chase (7/4, general).
