Hello and welcome to Who Wants To Be A Sporting Millionaire. First up tonight we have Dave Beckham from Leytonstone who's currently based in Manchester (where he bends balls for a living) but is thinking about moving to Barcelona, Milan, Turin, Rome or Madrid in the not so distant future.

Okay Dave, question number one: After the recent revelation by your wife, that you occasionally wear her underwear, several journalists complained that - and I quote - "Victoria wears the trousers in that house". Are these men:

(a) Sad. (b) Very Sad (and need to get out more). (c) Pining for the day when wimin were wimin, were seen and not heard and filled their days by hoovering the back garden and embroidering Celtic designs on the raisin scones they had just baked or, (d) Enlightened social commentators?

"Eh, can I ask the audience Chris?"

"Yes you can David - audience, press your buttons please. Oooh, 110 per cent have gone for (d)!"

"I'll go with the audience Chris."

"Sure?"

"120 per cent."

"Well, you started with nothing David and . . . you're going home with nothing - (d) was, in fact, the only incorrect answer. Cheerio Becks."

"Right, next we have Michael McCarthy - he's from Barnsley but spends quite a bit of his working life in Dublin, isn't that right Michael?"

"No, that's just typical media nonsense, written by twerps who know flip all about football and . . ."

"Michael? We only have an hour - question number one is: Which man has inflicted most misery on Irish society in the last decade - is it:

(a) Alan Kernaghan.

(b) Charlie McCreevy.

(c) Tony Cascarino.

or (d) Gary Breen.

"I'd like to phone a friend please Chris."

"Okay - who are you phoning Michael?"

"Eamon, please Chris."

"And where does Eamon live?"

"On another planet, mostly, Chris."

Ring, ring (long distance).

"Eamon? This is Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants To Be A Sporting Mil- lionaire. I have a friend of yours here, Michael McCarthy, and he's . . ."

". . . the devil incarnate - his middle name is Lucifer . . . he is a fiend, a fraud, a charlatan, a . . ."

"If you say so Eamon - but he needs your help . . ."

"Never once have I turned down a cry for help from a lesser being, even if he is inferior, substandard, mediocre . . . the answers are (a), (c) and (d) - and - uncharacteristically - I have no doubts about the certitude of my retort (which neatly rhymes with Resort, the last of which can be heard on Today FM, daily at 5.0). After all, Charlie McCreevy is our God, our Saviour, our Light in the darkened tunnel we occupy, our divine inspiration, and from whose bottom shines a shimmering ray of light over this murky land and . . ."

"I'll go for (b), Chris."

"You're ignoring your friend Eamon's advice?!"

"Naturally."

"Oh dear, you're going home empty-handed Michael - Alan Kernaghan was, of course, the correct answer."

Next, we have Roy Keane from Mayfield, Cork, but who's currently earning a modest living tackling from behind in Manchester, England. Your first question, Roy . . .

"I'd like a 50-50 please Chris."

"I haven't asked the question yet Roy."

"I know, but I'd still like a 50-50. There's nothing I love more than a 50-50, nothing at all."

"Roy? If you want to be a Sporting Millionaire you'd want to shut up and obey the rules of the show."

"But I'm already a Sporting Millionaire, Chris - so stick that up yer pipe and smoke it."

"Hump off then."

Next, we have Mark Saggers, Sky News's chief sports reporter. Your question Mark: "in light of your constant belittlement of football's recent World Club Championship, which muchhyped event, shown exclusively by Sky Sports over the past five years, was of a greater sporting significance - was it:

(a) Any tie from football's Auto Windscreen Shield competition.

(b) The Torquay Ten Ton Tessie Weight-lifting blubberfest.

(c) Cliff Richard's Pro-Celebrity tennis.

or (d) Bruno v any of the embarrassingly flabby, overweight unknowns he fought. "Mmmm. All of them, Chris."

"Have a safe journey home Mark."

Next, we have Barry Davies from Shepherds Bush. Your question Barry: Why do you insist on being so patronising, condescending and obnoxious during your commentaries on matches involving teams from outside England? Is it:

(a) You are entirely ignorant of the strengths of non-English football.

(b) You still think it's 1966.

(c) You are just a naturally irritating person.

or (d) All Asian/African/South American-born footballers/referees/linesmen are tactically naive and unaware of the rules of football.

"Sneer, sneer - (d) obviously, Chris."

"Oh dear - perhaps you should stick to tennis, Barry."

Next, Alexander Ferguson. Your question, Sir: "Why do you think the whole world is out to get you?" Is it:

(a) Because they are.

(b) Because they are.

(c) Because they are.

(d) Because they are.

"Emmmm...."

"Would you like to phone a friend Alex?"

"I'd love to, but I cannae."

"Why?"

"Because I havenae one Chris."

"Oh."

"But I'll go for . . . (e)."

Next, Dalkey resident Edward Irvine. Your question, Edward: Who contributed most towards making this planet a better place in the last Millennium? Was it:

(a) Ghandi.

(b) Jesus Christ.

(c) Charlie Landsborough.

or (d) Eddie Irvine.

"Mmmm, there's a mistake there, Chris."

"Eh?"

"I'm in there twice."

"Eh?"

"(b) and (d) - I'll go for both of them."

"Sure?"

"Have I ever been anything otherwise?"

"No, but tough - you're wrong. The answer is . . . (c)."

"Drat. Have you got her phone number Chris?"