Mary Hannigan World Cup TV ViewWe can hardly blame our neighbours for believing the World Cup ended last Saturday. Most of us felt the same way four years ago after that Mendieta creature put his penalty past Shay Given. Still, few do such inventive World Cup postmortems quite like them, leaving you thinking if their team showed as much creative thinking in Germany they'd be playing France in the semi-finals tonight.
Al Scardino, an English-based American and a former editor with the Guardian, was befuddled by the headlines when he reviewed the newspapers for Sky News, concluding, in the end, that he knew even less about football than he thought he did. He just assumed that England were out because they had converted fewer penalties than Portugal. Americans, eh?
Instead he noted that Cristiano 'the winker' Ronaldo was being blamed by the tabloids for England's exit, while expressing bewilderment at the photo of the boy genius/circus act (delete according to taste) pinned to a dart board, with a caption that suggested you chuck a "dart at the tart".
Scardino paused for a moment, had a think, and asked: "But - wasn't it Rooney who stamped on the Portuguese player's, you know?"
"Well, yes, but . . ." his hosts tried to explain to him. Al was still confused. How could a wink be held responsible for England being knocked out of the World Cup? The postmortem has, then, been highly entertaining, although not for poor Motty Motson. If newspaper reports are anything to go by he will soon be calling a press conference and tearfully telling the nation that he had "lived the dream", before passing his microphone into the trusty hands of Martin Tyler.
Motty, who declared in his newspaper column recently that he was having his best ever World Cup, has been scundered left, right and centre (and in the hole behind the front two) the past month, so useless do his critics believe he has been. Harsh.
Motty's simply been, well, Motty. Besides, any commentator who can tell us "nearly all the Brazilian supporters are wearing yellow shirts - it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour" will do for us. Even if Martin Tyler is the business.
Any way, England won't make it to the final after all, something they have in common with the rest of us. Presume you got this text yesterday? "Hiya! Have just been given corporate tickets and flights to Berlin for the World Cup final! Can bring two mates! If you're free I was wondering . . . could you put my bin out on Monday morning?" May their fog-delayed flight land as Sepp Blatter declares the tournament closed.
And so to the semi-finals. No, not Ivory Coast v Mexico and Ghana v Australia, as we confidently forecast, having assumed a new footballing dawn would sweep away the auld European aristocrats. And Portugal.
Germany v Italy, to start with. No love lost, it would seem. In fact, it turned so ugly pre-match German newspaper Tageszeitung published the phone numbers of 40 pizza restaurants around the country and encouraged their readers to "annoy the Italians tonight - order pizza at 9pm". May they choke on their anchovies. And may their pepperoni be rancid.
"Their industry has been great," said Gilesie, launching a debate not on the German economy but on their "workaholic" midfield. He was, then, tipping the hosts, but Liam Brady and Eamon "they're ordinary Bill, you can write the Germans off (June 9th)" Dunphy were opting for the Italians.
The latter still had doubts about the German coach, although, mercifully, he resisted repeating that scurrilous allegation about Juergen Klinsmann's private life, the one about him eating muesli.
Gilesie's doubts about the Italians were heightened by the inclusion of Totti in their line-up, "a fancy dan, a Rodney Marsh", as he called him.
"A sunshine boy," Dunphy agreed. Not long after: "There's an ingenuity and creativity about Totti's passing tonight that's worrying the Germans," said a purring Clive Tyldesley of the man we will forever think of as Rodney Totti.
Our gut feeling that it would be a dour affair was somewhat contradicted by the fact that it wasn't. "A smashing match," as Billo put it at half-time. Gilesie agreed, though he reckoned if Klose was Italian and Cannavaro was German he'd fancy the others.
Second half. "Everything about the first half points toward goals long before it's time to put the children to bed," said Tyldesley, thereby ending all hope of a goal before 90 minutes was up.
Ninety minutes up, no goals, and not a child in the house asleep. Sure, why would they want to sleep? Sublime. And Rodney Totti's in the final.
